Je bats du tambour, Vous bats du tambour, Nous tout le tambour.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, we are suckers for inappropriate drumming. This track has a tiny little girl with a tiny little music box in it too.

Vitalic – Fanfares

Much the same concept as Jeremy Deller’s acid brass meets The Battle of Orgreave in one, Vitalic take the massed marching bands of Brighouse and Rastrick,( including baton twirlers) and make them play hardcore techno till their poor drum sticks bleed.

They didn’t bring The Royal Scots Dragoon Guards with their bagpipes, unlike (rip) Orbital, on Style.

As the Marching bands meet the very Heavy Royal Artillery swords are drawn.

Into the Valley of Death march the brave 5000, cannons fire, the Queen is killed by a stray batton in the eye, and Prince Philip ravaged by a rapid slinty eyed fox, which all looks cool on the tapestry they make to commemorate the occasion.

Geroge W. Bush dies when Michael Moore sits on him to watch the show, and under a truly democratic system administrated by Mocky, Will Smith is voted president of the world, and Morrissey crowned Queen of England.

We all learn not to fight and to channel our passion into much more superficial shit like clothes, music, art, baton twirling and playing a marching drum as fast as it this bastard song.

As everyone in the world becomes drummers humanity is wiped out in a mysterious gardening accident.

This song was made for Sarah Pain to dance to, and Juan says it remind him of a psychotic version of the A-Team theme tune.

*****

In this world, underground rock stars acquire super-powers and dress up in spandex tights, yeah, Sonic Youth become The X Men (Thurston-Cyclops, Lee-Wolverine, Kim-Storm, Steve-Colossus, Jim O’Rourke-Night Crawler), Frank Black is Ben Grimm off the Fantastic Four and Kim Deal Rogue because no-one is cooler than Kim Deal. Ian Svenonius is the Beast, Calvin Johnson Spiderman and Kathleen Hannah Jean Gray (she should be Banshee but he’s a dude, man), Ian McKaye professor Xavier and James Canty Mr. Furious (or Derek Zoolander?), no one wants to be Captain America cos his uniform is so naff. Husker Du and Mudhoney join SHIELD, Grant Hart is Nick Furia. Butthole Surfers become the Silver Surfer and fly into space and time like a human cannonball.

The superheroes battle the Reapers (nu-metal numbskulls) and the Hand (Corporate A&Rs ninjas), Simon Cowell is Magneto and M.F. Doom Dr. Doom (couldn’t leave such a cool super-villain for an evil person), naff pop stars are hydra clones or maybe gungans off Star Wars 1: The Rip-off menace. Ok, enough.

Anyway, in this world, who would Steve Albini be? I guess he would be Bruce Banner, a nerdy scientist doing research and building weapons of mass distortion in his laboratory, when he gets angry he becames a Hulk of green rage and boy, does he do D-A-M-A-G-E, completely mind-bending destruction, terror and mayhem like LL Cool J would say. Check out Big Black or Rapeman or Shellac, who I wanted to post today, in the Crow they create so much tension it seems the guitars are going to pierce the drone and splatter everything with blood, ah, so good, so evil.

(Also, learn to cook with Steve)

Remember kids, drugs are for losers, and don’t forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed!

(For info on most of the superheroes mentioned above go to the amazing Marvel Directory, it’s a mind-blowing resource for a n*e*r*d like me, just check out the alien race section and cry).

Shellac-Crow

PS- for the Brightonians- JuanFunkGreats will be guesting at Dave McNamee’s night, Unpop, in the Penthouse on saturday the 13th, 8-11, free. Finally, The Unicorns! Juan’s definition of pop is most people’s definition of hell so it should be fun.

PPS – Go see Spektrum live tonight at the C2 in Brighton.

PPPS – but first go to the freebutt for Kate Hell and Ron Coe’s Hot Wax Explosion Volume IV

PPPS- For all the world- It’s the birthday of 80sJazzFunkgrrl tomorrow, Happy Birthday Tina!