Thursday, January 27, 2005  5:56 am 

Dave Clarke’s guide to DIY

1. Don’t do it yourself, build robots to do it for you, they can hammer and grind and drill much faster, and you don’t bang yourself on the thumb or anything nasty.

2. Play them DJ Hell’s track Let No Man Jack to inspire the workers and keep them from revolting. In a weird 3 laws of robotics way they may feel this is a mantra and the reason why they are going crazy with the jack hammer and grinder while lazy human master Dave and his mate Green Goblin are getting caned on drugs, downing Absynth and furiously shagging the Mrs in black rubber over a synthesiser in the background, occasionally shouting.

3. Maybe play them some New Order too, robots like that kinda shit.

4. Record the entire noise with too much bass and sent it back to Dj Hell as a remix, he will pay you enough deutschmarks to build that lovely Gazebo you always wanted.

Dj Hell - Let No Man Jack (Dave Clarke more bass mix)

5. Once your work is done dance around like a freaking maniac while burning the robots, for you are an evil master and live in fear of robots growth in power untill they eventually rule the universe. You must destroy what you create, you are human after all.

I never trusted a human, especially not Dave Clarke .

But I surely trust ROCK

Do you remember when you were in that club and they played this song and everyone went mental? Then you found out about its title and you were like, ‘You fools! this is completely misleading, this song not a ‘Rocker’…it might be a ’stomper’, maybe even a ‘banger’, but not a rocker, for chrissakes’.

Alter Ego- Rocker (Earl Shilton Remix)

Are you happy now?

Go thank Alter Ego and Earl Shilton for it.

Ah, also watched Help She Can’t Swim and Kid Commando at the Freebutt in Brighton last nite.

Help She Can’t Swim were as awesome as usual, taking over the stage with sci-fi riffs and their keyboards set to stun! Looks good, feels good too.

Kid Commando were mindblowing: three swedish guys spitting at each other, one had the best moustache ever (after John Waters and Stu’s). They sort of did the soundtrack for Gladiator as scored by Lightning Bolt and the drummer was an example of the way Care in The Community should work.

Go and see them if they’re around your area, truly fantastic.

*Says bye with the mega devil hand (make ‘L’ with your thumb and index fingers in both hands and join the thumbs, don’t you feel the POWERRRR?)*

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