It had to be Load records! Fucking mentalists! dance label of the year, 20JFG sez so! They released ‘I’ve visited the Islands of Jocks and Jazz’, last album by The Hospitals! They play like werewolves and bite your ass like antrophagous roaches with rusted iron cuirasses! The kids hold their hands and spin in circles and throw up blood! This is so fucking minimal and lo-fi it’s actually really sophisticated! For those conoisseurs of old fuck being fancy banging droning garage like James Sticks who get high on The Hunches and the sadly split up Coachwhips and the whole In The Red stable (what a photo!!!! WTF?????) where these guys released a record once. If the shredder jaws bass (hey, no bass in this band…) that kicks one minute into the track doesn’t even make you feel a bit evil then you might have a future as the motherfucking Exorcist or Obi Wan Kenobi.

The Hospitals- Be

This sounds loud and you ain’t allowed to play it unless you play it loud eh? LOUD.

Sign here – - – - – - -

Remember, you promised. If you don’t comply we’ll track you down and feed your face to the Wolves or maybe a White Shark (that mental stomp’s gonna give me nightmares…).

They also do covers…

The Hospitals- Happy Jack

Here they sound like the Who would have if instead of looking at those pictures of Lily and slid their hands under the sheets and done all that stuff that makes you go blind la la they had bit their fists and developed this spiritual romantic infatuation and imagined a future wedding surrounded by all sorts of weird monsters driving dragsters and boris the spider wearing a stovepipe hat, and grown up skinny young men and gone to the lounge one day and said…

-Dad where can I find Lily?

And dad had answered

-Son, now don’t be silly, she’s been dead since 1929

Instead of saying ‘aye’ to dad and gone to the beedrom to cry and sob they would have jumped on top of dad and started beating the shit out of dad.

BLAM BLAM

-Don’t say that DAD

BLAM

-I’m going to MARRY BLAM BLAM LILY You hear me BLAM Dad

Dad starts bleeding from the ears.

-Lily and BLAM BLAM ME will be happy FOREVER You KNOW WHAT I MEAN BLAM BLAM DAD? BLAM

After 35 minutes of ‘conversation’ they’d left the lounge, now redecorated in a trendy brain grey and arterial blood tone, and locked themselves in their room to listen to the Electric Eels.

This song is included in the very messy bessy 12” ep ‘Rich People’ released by Yakisakana records, in which you’ll also find covers of the Kinks, Harry Pussy, the Homosexuals and other people.

Of course our man Tim ‘Love’ Lee wouldn’t need to resort to the art of masturbation or killing people to get the sticky stuff out of his system, we all know the ladies love Tim ‘Love’ Lee, how could they not with that moustache and that flair? Tim ‘Love’ Lee (together with Angus Andrew (we wanna Drum’s not Dead we wanna we wanna we wanna a promo ples!!), Billy Childish and the memory of Mr. Colegate’s past look) is an inspiration to any self respecting chap, follow his footsteps for a life of fantastic sexual success (I’ll avoid getting close to those Groove Armada guys though). What did you think the ‘Love’ in his name was for??

In his latest adventure, the Spoonful of Physic 7” released this week by Tummy Touch we witness him going up to the seedy areas of Luna in an anti-gravitatory elevator operated by a robot midget while whistling an Add (n) to (x) tune. Once there he tips the robot (some virgin olive oil), and walks nonchalantly around the bauhausian avenues, eventually entering the renowned Luna saloon, where you have one of those fights between vulcanians and wookies going on (stupid Vulcanians will never learn, let the wookie win!). He elegantly dodges the debris and bleeding pointy ears that fly around the place like annoying yet beautiful butterflies, sits at the futuristic looking synth after removing the corpse of the piano man (stupid Wookies, don’t shoot the piano man!), cracks his slender fingers one by one and starts playing a melody.

Tim ‘Love’ Lee- Spoonful of Psychic

Everyone stops fighting and turns around to look at him. Two too beautiful not to be mutant ladies have materialised out of nowhere and sit on his lap now but he keeps playing undistracted. It won’t take any longer that it need to, but it won’t end before it should.

He finishes, the crowd, even those earless Vulcanians and the dead piano man start clapping and cheering, he cracks a smile that is pure gold, blinks an eye to you and leaves the place with one lady under each arm to climb on top of a hoover limousine waiting outside, off he goes.

Ah, that Tim ‘Love’ Lee surely is a charmer!