Test-Icicles bring the Devil’s noise, we all know this. Their album ‘For Screening Purposes Only’, has enough death-metal-grime-schlock-hell to knock you straight over if you play it loud enough. But there have been some pointless dodgy dance remixes that really should be banished back to the studios from whence they came with a ‘PUT THE GUITARS BACK ON!’ sticker across them.

Thank Satan this exists:

Test-Icicles- Circle Square Triangle (Chrome Hoof Remix)

Starting as it means to go on, with a blood curdling primal scream, the track quickly twists into a sticky day-glo green toxic prog-disco affair. Synthesised strings bring the doom and guitars whirl violently around and splinter off into the mix. Lovely.

It’s always nice when two well suited bands get together for a remix, and Chrome Hoof actually improve on one of the best tracks on the album, producing a screeching wing-ed dancefloor beast.

The Hoof are a London based outfit featuring members from Cathedral and Kruton. Its like The Four (actually, Nine) Horsemen of The Apocalypse playing death metal and techno at the same time! They have cloaks made of disco-ball material! Tigerbeat 6 describe them as ‘apocalyptic goat-rave’! 20JFS2 knows them! – neat-o!

Ok, so what’s this thing about people playing Death Metal and techno at the same time? I seriously hope it is a new up and coming genre because otherwise I might have to start slaying neo-britpop muppets with my claymore, check this out man because it’s one of the most evilly alienating pieces of what the fuck I’ve listened to for a while.

Die Princess Die- Hunting (Remix)

Die Princess Die have come from a dark and ugly place only to fetch you by the arm and take you back there for a party you’re not sure about, the problem with this track is not it being unlistenable, it’s actually quite banging, but the fact that it is so devoid of humanity it makes you feel super-weird after a couple of plays.

It sounds like late Cabaret Voltaire battling the Locust at the studio, it’s short, it doesn’t go anywhere, it’s like that midget at the end of Don’t Look Now, well, actually it comes close and slits your throat, what’s wrong with people these days? Did you know wikipedia has had to block the IP of the US Congress because staffers there keep censoring entries on their bosses and slandering their opponents? WTF?? Someone even dared modifying the entry about Beavers so that it said that ‘Beavers explosively attack people with their menacing teeth. They are the most deadly animals alive’!! (well, that’s Wikipedia history).

At least the death metal techno doom people don’t hide how fucked up they are or mess around with Beavers, and yeah, I wanna go to their party.

The rest of the self-titled album out in Rococo is similarly dizyingly yell-feasty nasty and great, grab yourself one because there are only 500 copies out there.

BTW the photo above isn’t me but the lovely artwork of the album. Also, while we are talking about metal, check out these lovely portraits.

xxxx

Also worth a gander is the amazing about of celeb music bloggers havin a go. 12 A.M. Maternal has Richard Clouston of Kult77 and Cosey with some Apocalyptic and Apocalyptic and Apocalyptic and Existential, while bumrocks has Munk (aka Leroy Hanghofer) of Gomma records. Its like tipping your head into a late night party at their house. Personally we are working on getting Girls Aloud to give us a deep philosophical look into their all time musical inspiration. Were expecting a reflection on how The Pet Shop Boys brought producer Bobby Orlando into the eyes of Stock Aitken and Waterman and changed the face of British music forever allowing acts like themselves to emerge and dominate the U.K. charts by appealing to hyperactive pre-teens and gay men, but we will probably just get some Vanity 6 and The Knack.

If you’re out in Brighton tonight go to the Engine Rooms for the launch night of Touch Me I’m Sick, a new club run by our friends Gary and Tom, the music policy includes lcd soundsystem misfits daft punk the cure m.i.a le tigre the knack test-icicles the beach boys kraftwerk hall & oates missy elliott the smiths death from above 1979 bee gees les rythmes digitales outkast dead or alive gorillaz duran duran felix da housecat ELO n.e.r.d notorious BIG blondie bloc party

You get it? You don’t? That’s the point you fool. FUN!! Fuck the Smiths though, their only bearable song is Frankly Mr. Shankly.

20JazzFunkSteves says: No Arctic Monkeys? Damn, I love them…

…but I’ve chosen darkness

Epilogue -
This post is tagged with britpop chrome hoof circle square claymore cloaks dance remixes day glo death metal die princess die disco ball grime guitars horsemen of the apocalypse locust loud enough play it loud princess prog rave schlock screening purposes square triangle test-icicles tigerbeat 6 triangle ugly place