Thursday, April 20, 2006  3:12 pm 

Robots vs Monsters!

Whoops, its Friday and we’ve only done two posts! Sorry! But don’t playa hate, its been all about bank holidays here, throwing sickies, forest-dwelling, buying the best 12″ (top left) of the year and various other shits and giggles. Back on track next week, sure thing, with some more of this new-fangled rave business, and other hotness LOL, but today it’s a showdown, clash of the titans, Robots vs Monsters!

Theres nothing like a bit of EBM to whip up the fashion students and jaded gutter-punk indie kids into a pouting slam-dance spazz-out, clad in leather and pearls, popping metallic robo-limbs from sockets. They’re eyes glow red like hungry wolves, Nitzer Ebb fades out, this fades in:

DAF- Verlieb Dich In Mich

DAF make the sort of hypnotic but jarring noise that Zeigenbock Kopf would if they got a few cyber augmentations, growled in German and turned off the fuzz effects. They have that “male model in cheap hair salon poster” look down way too well, like two gay Kraftwerk robots. If DAF don’t make you want to dance then I’m afraid you are dead, but if they do make you dance your still dead, but you’re a zombie so that’s ok. Ah, no wait, the theme is robots, those zombies just keep creeping in…

‘Verlieb Dich In Mich’ (which roughly translates to ‘Fall In Love With Me’ though you wouldn’t guess from the sound, more like ‘Come Snort Poppers With Me’) comes from 1982’s ‘Fur Immer’ album. The main synth-line spirals around your skull while the synth-horn (do they exist?) stabs at you like a street urchin who’s after your mobile phone.

More Robots! Transformer Di Roboter boast Megatron, Starscream and Soundwave as close personal friends, so don’t mess, or Soundwave will whip out his concussion cannon and grease you, Autobot germ!

We all know Transformer Di Roboter can bring the noise with the ‘Metal Kings’ 12″ of electro-punk covers of classic metal tracks, but here they try their hand at making Dinobots breakdance:

Transformer Di Roboter- Hi-End

Straight out of the tape deck of Soundwave himself comes ‘Hi-End’, Transformer Di Roboter’s split 12″ with Namosh & Angie Reed. Heavy layers of doomy keys scrape over shuffling rhythms and Moroder synth flourishes, and just ignore that the vocals go a bit ‘The Faint’ every so often, yeah? Good.

Where your 20Jazzfunkgreatster, having fallen prey to his basest instincts rolls down a street full of cliches, you know, black ninja versus white ninja and animated Daft Punk dolls, prancing talking cats and swirling casio-tones, guitar welding DOlph Lundgren lookalikes, the works. And of course, Monster vs Robot, the final hecatombe of pain and dread we have for so long tried to avoid, you thought this was an mp3blog? No! This is the result of a NASA experiment aimed at getting a crack squad of chimps to type what could have passed for Isaac Asimov’s novelisation of Godzilla on Monster Island. On drugs. All of ‘em.

They were listening to this.

The Hospitals- Sick Bird

This monster is a particularly evil one, it’s so hardcore it actually chews the bone of its victims and leaves the flesh for the vultures, witnesses of its actions report that it resembles an innocent american farmer girl covered in mousetraps who is into pneumatic drill lobotomies, starting with herself.

Dr Kudo says, The Shaggs hatched this monster after mating with a Suicide cock, the little creature was subsequently abandoned and raised by a school of Electric Eels. No wonder it finds it hard to adjust to the behavioural patterns demanded by the good society, it’s definition of the good life includes activities such as the zapping of burgeouis scuba diver genitalia.

This live document of the monster’s actions is included in a split with the lovely Afrirampo, and it’s part of the magnificent Bored Fortress Series, wait til Death Sentence: Panda! bites your face off in the new one (btw I play it at 45rpm, what about you?).

Park Attack- Toes

This monster is quite gnarly in a sweet way. Let me rephrase this. No. This monster it’s so gnarly and fast it ran around the planet like a hairy glaswegian version of Superman in order to travel to the past and push the proverbial granny under a big bus she had managed to dodge in the normal space-continuum. Not sweet. But the granny was a super-evil bitch and had it coming. If she hadn’t been taken out then the sick birdy would have died. Long story.

Dr Kudo says, erm, yes, this monster shows the typical traits of a beat combo exposed to excessive subconscious no wave zaps, a bit like that beatnik child whose head Gene Kruppa confused for some bongos, for several years. Results: twitching, slight tourette of the half japanese modality, bass addiction, it should have never been granted access to modern technology, it is dangerous enough with a stone, lethal with a moog.

This is but an outburst of the glorious half past human adventure recently released by Textile Records, and yes, the rest of the album is as good as this, buy it and burn.

Apologies for the absolute subnormality of this post, have been reading too much Fantomas and listening too much Fantomas and watching too much Fantomas. I feel weird. I’ll meet you beyond the valley of the dorks.

Where?

Brighton, this Friday!

The Do at the Core Club

10-3AM 5/4 w flyer/NUS/people who have gone to the Yeborobo single launch party at the Engine Rooms, yeah, go there first, we’re the official post-party, they are the official pre-party, No matter what, bring ID, cos you want to get in and witness it…

It’s that indie rave thing that’s happening, it’s like druids with glowsticks haha how hip no wonder it’s in Dozed and Confooled lol. This ain’t it, or maybe it is only if we don’t look for it, you know, the DO is simply lots of fun music brought to you by the Do gang and ,tonight, special guests Edd Chadtobruce and Nick nice NEU! t-shirt yeh yeh.

Metronomy plays live at 11.30 & makes it an analogue synth hardcore dancing doggy bashment party. Check him out at the cozy Do before he becomes famous and you have to go to big scary expensive places to see him/them.

Before, in a galaxy far far away, if to the Yeborobo you ain’t gone.

20 jazz Funk Greats at the Penthouse

7/1AM Free entry, cheap drinks

It’s the c-06 revival: Suicide rehearsal tapes, Pooh Sticks, Ceephax Acid Crew, Liars, Genius/GZA, Wizardzz, Screamers, Fantomas, DAF, DJ Mondie, Kraftwerk or Jean Claude Vannier, we have covered most of the bases, we are ‘eclectic’ and/or we hate ourselves or both.

Matt Colegate from the mighty Burning Idiot Noise/Raised By Wolves brings the noise, something or both.

Fuck Math rock let’s math.

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