Wednesday, September 27, 2006  10:51 am 

20jazzfunkgreats’ answering machine

Monday 8.10 PM
Hi guys, this is Sasha calling from Drug magazine, we have Sex Fuck, a super-sleazy gay electroclash trio coming over from Paris next week. They have been getting rave reviews from all our taste-maker DJs and friends and their debut single, ‘baisez votre frere’ is a hot hit. Anyway, to cut a gak story short, we thought you should have them playing at your club. Funny name you have, when I read it I thought it was some sort of old man’s club but then my mate Jongo, the armenian Lou Reed, you might have seen him in the fashion rags, told me that’s the name of a gamelan baile funk band from the 8Os, I didn’t even know this, gosh, you guys are hip, eh, still I’m sure you get lots of bearded men showing up at your club anyway tee-hee. If you put Sex Fuck on we’ll make sure to publicise the event in our website, which receives more tham 20.0000 hits a day, and we might send you a few promos of stuff, we have this Statik remix of the Others coming out which is the bomb. Well I’ve got to go now, get in touch ASAP for further details. Keep cool’

Tuesday 8.34 AM
Hello Mr. Greats, this is Doctor Bethlahem calling from the Royal Conglomerative Bloodclot Hospital. We finally found the kidneys for your transplant operation but unfotunately there seems to have been a bit of an accident during transportation. Er, it appears that one of staff left the van doors unlocked and the kidneys have been ‘misplaced’. We believe they may have been taken by a local squirrel who though the kidneys were some fleshy nuts but we cannot be 100% sure at this stage. I am very sorry about this Mr.Greats and I can assure that the fire brigade are out there right now searching all the trees in the surrounding area. I hope this doesn’t inconvenience you too much and I shall let you know of any developments. Thankyou. Goodbye.

Wednesday 11.15 AM
Yeah hi there it’s Jongo calling from Expensive Records plc. Apologies for the delay in getting back to you, I’ve been away and I only saw Robbie today. I have to be honest, not sure of the straight up industial gamelan baile funk direction. We are also under pressure to have remix’s in mastered approved and delivered like yesterday. Robbie has only just approved the remix’s in from 2 weeks ago. We already have a non-industial gamelan baile funk remix from MJ Cole, so unless you want to finish and then I’ll try and get an approval from Robbie, I’ll have to pass. I really appreciate you doing this on tick over the weekend though. Ciao.

Thursday 1.18 PM
Hey guys, I’ve been hired to bring back the fun to the Tractatus Logicus Philosophicus. I know you’ve managed to clear a room there in the past, but I think it would be cool to have some of you playing again. I want to bring together all the leading heads of the future sound of now. I have asked Sex Fuck to do a live set, I want some hot Gamelan Baile Funk action too if we can afford them, and some hot ‘young’ DJs like Hitler’s Youth as well. I may ask some scenesters to leave their usual turfs and come over to scare the regulars or maybe get beaten up by them. I can’t pay you as I’m spending all the money on the Gamelan Baile Funk people, although you will get to eat paradoxical overcooked food that tastes undercooked, be in the flyers, have fun in the sun and hang out with the best of the rest. So yeah, let me know if you fancy this.

Friday 4.45 PM
Hallo, this is Ivan from Hitler’s Youth calling. I got your message in myspace this morning and was a bit freaked out about you having such a massive go at us man, I was super-pissed off so I went to my livejournal to slag you off, I know people and I can make sure you never play up here again, yeah? I know people, you know, who would break your legs, but then one of my friends left a comment about these Hitler’s Youth and why you were a bit whatever, like, woah, I was, man! I was really blown away, I didn’t know that Hitler’s Youth was like some german dudes who killed and stuff. We just thought it was a name that sounded cool, you know, like the Sex Pistols or 20 Jazz funk greats, now that’s a good name yeah? we play some gamelan baile funk in our warm up sets. Anyway, we didn’t know about this, we just saw it in the wall of Nico’s brother room, come to think about it he’s a bit hardcore, we should have realised. Anyway, we can’t change the name now because then no-one will know who we are, it’s like if the Rolling Stones changed their names to Rolling whatever because stones used to kill people back in the days, you understand? So yeah, it’s all cool now, I just wanted to make sure you understood we are not the same dudes. And now that we have cleared shit out, do you reckon we could come to do a set in your club?’

Saturday- no messages

Green Velvet- Answering Machine

Green Velvet in one of our gods, this is from his ‘The nineties’ compilation.

He can call us anytime he wants and we’ll be there.

Disclaimer- All the above is shameless fabrication and stuff, like, no-one ever calls us, we’re only little village leprechauns and we love everyone with our tender woolen hearts.

labels >> xxjfg