Thursday, September 28, 2006  1:38 pm 

A computer screen to escape from our sad lives, please

Thanks (the above is dark castle btw, there goes our geeky purist cred, sheesh, mixing up text adventures and videogames you guys weird)

[[[Opening credits]]]

FTSE100- Hail Hegemony

Welcome to 20JFG.
Release 12 / Serial number 990623 / Inform v6.14 Library 6/7
East of House
This is a small room with white walls and a bed with a door to the east.
There is lots of crap in the floor.
A T-shirt in front of you says ‘Drum’s not Dead’

>look around
I only understood you as far as wanting to look.

>look crap
There is lots of books and clothes and socks and a small envelope that says ‘instructions’

>Open envelope
I beg your pardon?

>Fuck you
I only understood you as far as wanting to fuck

>Fuck you I’m hangover
Your sword is glowing

>Pick up envelope
taken

>Open envelope

Welcome to 20JFG!!
In 20JFG the intrepid geek delves into the forgotten rubbish deep in the bowels of his house, searching for food and shelter hidden from prying eyes, searching for basic items such as a toothbrush guarded by fearsome monsters and diabolical traps!
No lame-ass PC should be without one!
20JFG was created in Hove at Juan’s house on a wintery September night. It was ripped off from Zork and the long tradition of fantasy and science fiction adventure and inspired by a rather pathetic and banal existence.

To fight the fearsome monsters hidden in in the bowels of his house you have 3 magic familiars. Don’t waste the magic familiars or you’ll pay dearly!
The magic familiars are:
-Cutting Pink
-Bang Bang
-Happy Slappy
Just say these words to activate the magic familiars.

>And the sword?
I was joking.

>You’re such a joker
That’s not a verb I recognise.

>ach, Go to kitchen
You can’t see any such thing. Your sword is glowing.

>Go east
As you leave the room you hear a scary noise behind you as a swarm of dirty t-shirts and slithery socks start crawling in your direction cackling malignantly. You haven’t done the washing for two weeks and the opressed clothes are taking their revenge, they pile on top of each other slowly until they form an evil dirty laundry monster ready to devour your flesh. I repeat, the monster wants to devour your flesh. Act fast or the monster will devour your flesh.

>fuck
Oh, dear. Such language from a supposed winning adventurer!

>Happy Slappy!

Lucky Dragons- Katy Did

Suddenly you realise there is a green clad pixie sitting on your shoulder puffing on a pipe nonchalantly, the pixie blows the smoke from his pipe in an iridiscent cloud that paralises the monster. Then he jumps from your shoulder and walks towards the paralised fearsome monster and starts kicking it in the leg with his tiny brogued feet. You watch the pixie for fifteen minutes or so, the kicking does not seem to be doing much. The pixie is sweating, he stares at you and says ‘go on with your business young ‘un, this might take a while’

>thank you fancy pixie
That’s not a verb I recognise

>Go east
You are in a corridor. There is a door south and a door north and a black bin-liner blocking a door east. The bag is full of rubbish, which your flatmates probably forgot to take out when rushing off to work, bless them. You never take the rubbish out anyway, lazy twat.

>thanks
That’s not a verb I recognise

>Go south.
The kitchen is in a bit of a state with onion peelings all over the floor. You see a steaming coffee machine and a cup on top of a table to the east and dirty dishes in the sink.

>Prod the dishes with the sword
What do you want to prod the dishes with?

>ah right I forgot the sword thing was a fabrication of yours
That’s not a verb I recognise.

>Make coffee
You don’t have any coffee seeds.

>Make a cup of coffee
You are not a potter

>For fuck’s sake
Oh, dear. Such language from a supposed winning adventurer!

>Pour coffee from coffee machine into cup
As you pour hot steaming coffee in the cup you see a long leg stretching from beneath the cupboard, it belongs to a spider the size of a sofa which slowly crawls out of its hiding place and approaches you drooling toxic poison ready to devour your flesh. I repeat, the spider wants to devour your flesh. Act fast or the spider will devour your flesh.

>Bang Bang!!!

DJ Disconhecido- Dedinho Pro Alto

Suddenly you realise there is a cammouflage clad pixie sitting on your shoulder puffing on a cigar nonchalantly, the pixie blows the smoke from his cigar and shoots the shit of the spider with a huge gold AK-47. When he is done with his magazine of 7.62mm hollow point bullets there is not much left of the spider or of the kitchen for that matter. The pixie winks at you and disappears.

>drink coffee
The coffee was cold after all this action and it tastes horrible in your poor mouth. You empty the rest in what is left of the sink amongst the rotting remains of the spider. You feel awful. You are going to lose the deposit of your house too.

>Noooooooo
Moaning isn’t going to save you you twat.

>Perhaps I’ll brush my teeth and take a shower and then everything will be fine, yes, maybe I should do that, smoke a cigarrette and plan the right course of action.
That’s not a verb I recognise.

>Go north.
You are in a corridor. There is a door south and a door north and a black bin-liner blocking a door east. The bag is full of rubbish, which your flatmates probably forgot to take out when rushing off to work, bless them. You never take the rubbish out anyway, lazy twat.

>Go north
As you enter the room north a tentacle slips from the binliner and grabs your leg. The organic remains left to rot inside it have mutated and become an evil octopus with Jamiroquai’s face ready to devour your flesh. I repeat, the Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains wants to devour your flesh. Act fast or the Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains will devour your flesh. The Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains makes a gnarly didgeridoo sound.

>fucking Jamiroquai’s face what the fuck?
Real adventurers do not use such language.

>Cutting Pink!!!!!!

Cutting Pink with Knives- Didi was fisted at the Smiths Disco

Suddenly you realise there is a pink clad pixie sitting on your shoulder chewing on a toothpick nonchalantly, the pixie bites harder on the toothpick and jumps from your shoulder, it starts running around the Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains doing fancy pirouettes and somersaults and distracting it, suddenly it brandishes a veeery long nasty looking knife and starts chopping the tentacles of the the Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains while yelling, yelping and shrieking, the Jamiroquai-faced Octopus composed of organic remains is reduced to a bloody pulp after a minute of butchering , Jamiroquai’s sad face mutters ‘yesterday I was half the man I used to be’ and dies. The pixie winks at you and disappears.

>fuck you Jamiroquai, in you face you sad purveyor of cod-funk!
The carpet is soaked in acid blood that has eaten through the carpet, you’re losing your deposit for real now, twat. It stinks of cod too, I thought I’d tell you.

>Sometimes you win sometimes you lose, go north.
That’s not a verb I recognise.

>Go north
You are in a nice bathroom with a shower to the east and a basin to the west. The floor is wet. There is a toothbrush inside a cup by the basin.

>Pick up toothbrush
Taken.

>I’m so glad I found you Brushy!
The toothbrush stares at you lovingly and mutters ‘I’m so glad you found me too’. You walk into the sun with brushy while a band of pixelated squirrels play the end credits.

[[[End credits]]]

Germlin- Land Army (feauturing Gnnr)

Soundtrack

FTSE100 bring a mindblowing prog 8-bit videogame synth solo (a Squarepusher quote too, maybe?) to make your dreams even more colourful than they already are if they are really colourful or just colourful if they aren’t that much to begin with. Lucky Dragons sound like Black Dice babies composing symphonies for toys that dream of loving batteries of energising grace, Both tracks are included in the super-ace Caff/Lick compilation released by Half Half Records which also features awesome tracks by our beloved Yeborobo and Munch Munch (keep watching this space for more of their hits real soon), Leopard Leg, Checkhudderfax, Jesus Licks and many other great acts, buy it here.

DJ Disconhecido has made a killer tune in more than a sense, instrumental baile funk, silly samples repeating themselves in a spiral of booty shaking inanity and shiteload of gunshots, do you need any more? Get the CD n bang.

Oh Wow is just what I said when I first listened to Cutting Pink with Knives, and that’s the title of their album, yay! Everything makes sense, or as much as it can inasmuch they sound like the Blood Brothers produced by Scotch Egg. Plus this is the best song title ever. We are starting a Smiths cover versions grindcore act in case you didn’t know. We love the Smiths, like, not. Germlin, who you’ll already know if you read this blog or that i-D magazine (fandomastic indomitable photos although the poultry inspector guy can’t write for shit) rocks the free electronic symphony world so hard it goes past not being even funny to being so funny I end up giggling like a little schoolgirl, ah, the awesomeness. Both artists are released by our beloved Adaadat label which is always a box of colourful and delightfully spiky surprises.

labels >> xxjfg