Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Bands – Floral Dance

JUAN:
parp parp…
STEVE:
Ommmmmm om om ommm …..
JUAN:
I’ll tell you something, er, that um pah horn reminded me of something.
STEVE:
Ommmm …..
JUAN:
Did you, did you see that, er, TV coverage of the, er, the dj when he was lying in state? The-, the last dj, you know, John Peel?
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
Lying in state? On that-, on that catafalque?
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
With all those records?
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
Didn’t half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so fucking vulnerable, didn’t he? I mean, like, I c-, I couldn’t prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately ’cause he looked-, he looked vulnerable, he looked at-, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils. I didn’t fancy him when he was alive ’cause he had all this fucking hair up his nostrils but when they’d, er, when the cosmetician had had a go at his body and that …..
STEVE:
Well, I-, I gather, erm, he had a, you know …..
JUAN:
I got the fucking horn…..
STEVE:
I got the fucking horn…..
JUAN:
Yeah, well …..
STEVE:
….. just seeing him lying there.
JUAN:
Well, the make-up was fantastic on that. Who done …..
STEVE:
But I imagine that, er, …..
JUAN:
Who done the wardrobe?
STEVE:
What, for the Peel’s funeral?
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Er-r, was it Dj Rick, was it?
JUAN:
Was it Brian Emo?
STEVE:
Brian Emo or …..
JUAN:
Yeah, I don’t know …..
STEVE:
….. or Dj Rick-, could be Brian Emo done it? I dunno.
JUAN:
Yeah, I dunno.
STEVE:
‘Cause he’s does a lot of things.
JUAN:
It was bloody beautiful. But it’s interesting, gave you the horn.
STEVE:
Well, I-, I find I’m, you know, er, …..
JUAN:
Well, you’re …..
STEVE:
….. I’m attracted by, er, …..
JUAN:
You’re …..
STEVE:
….. dead Peels.
JUAN:
By dead Peels. Yeah.

Can – Mother Upduff

STEVE:
And, er, you know …..
JUAN:
I can understand that. I can understand that. It’s enough to give you the horn. Anything gives me the horn, I find. I c-, you know, I can look at anything. I look at, er, a picture of a-, of a, er-, erm, a piece of, er, toilet paper, I get the horn.
STEVE:
You get …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Well, it’s …..
JUAN:
I get a very hard horn. I get a ve-, I mean, not just the horn …..
STEVE:
What, any particular, just Bronco, or just Andrex, what?
JUAN:
Well …..
STEVE:
Anything in particular give you the horn?
JUAN:
No, I don’t distinguish, I don’t distinguish, anything.
STEVE:
Anything gives you the horn, does it?
JUAN:
Anything gives me the horn, I’m very lucky that way. Except my wife Delia. She doesn’t give me the horn at all.
STEVE:
No, she’s an ugly bitch, isn’t she?
JUAN:
I’ve explained to her, time after time. I said, “Delia,” I said, I-, “fuck knows what it is, love, but you do not give me the horn.” I said, “You fucking don’t give me the horn!” …..
STEVE:
I’ll tell you what …..
JUAN:
….. but everything else gives me the horn. I went down, I opened the gate, that gave me the horn, I, you know, put my foot on the pavement, that gave me the horn.
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
You know, everything gives me the horn.
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
I like that.
STEVE:
Lord Ronnie James Dio gives me the fucking horn.
JUAN:
Yeah, oh yeah.
STEVE:
I reckon it’s the way he does his hair, you know, …..
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:
….. really gets me going.
JUAN:
Yeah, oh yeah.
STEVE:
I see him wandering about.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
He’s so fucking fanciable, that Ronnie James Dio.
JUAN:
Oh fucking hell mate, I tell you, …..
STEVE:
I mean, I wish I was in prison for life, …..
JUAN:
….. drives me round the bend!
STEVE:
…… I wish I’d killed a few people, I wish I was in prison, …..
JUAN:
So he’d come round …..
STEVE:
….. I wish I was a mass murderer …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. and I was in prison so Ronnie James Dio could come round and give me the horn …..
JUAN:
Ye-es.
STEVE:
….. like he-, he gives other people, you know.
JUAN:
Yes.
STEVE:
‘Cause I only see him in photos and-, and on telly and that, but …..
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:
….. in the flesh I imagine he must be fan-fucking-tastic.
JUAN:
Fu-u-, that’s right mate. You, you strip him down …..
STEVE:
I mean, you think of that lucky girl, Lita Ford, …..
JUAN:
You strip him down-,
STEVE:
….. sat in there, …..
JUAN:
….. down to his bare essentials, mate …..
STEVE:
….. he’s coming round on daily visits to see her.
JUAN:
Hmmm. I bet he gets-, I wonder if he gets the horn?

Ruth – Polaroid/Roman/Photo

STEVE:
I’ll tell you another thing gives me the horn.
JUAN:
What’s that?
STEVE:
The word “and”.
JUAN:
Oh, “and”.
STEVE:
Whenever I see the word “and” in a book …..
JUAN:
You-, you’ve picked a favourite of mine there.
STEVE:
….. I get so fucking horny, I-
JUAN:
Oh, fucking “and”, mate. Ohh, jesus, …..
STEVE:
C-
JUAN:
….. don’t I-, there’s such a lot of it about!
STEVE:
Yeah. This “and” that, you know, s- …..
JUAN:
Fucking “AND” this “AND” that “AND” that …..
STEVE:
“This” gives me the horn, “that” gives me the horn.
JUAN:
“This”-, and “that” gi-, oh fucking shit!
STEVE:
If I see a sentence which reads “this and that” …..
JUAN:
Oh, fucking “and”, mate!
STEVE:
….. I get such a fucking hard-on I don’t know what to fucking do.
JUAN:
I’d-, I wrote to the editor …..
STEVE:
“The” is another one gives me the horn.
JUAN:
Oh, “the”! Oh, come-
STEVE:
They keep using that one, don’t they?
JUAN:
What you-, have you been-, have you been reading my diary? Have you?
STEVE:
Yeah, I was looking through it, you know.
JUAN:
Well fuck me, …..
STEVE:
I saw “the”, “and”, …..
JUAN:
….. I don’t think that’s very nice.
STEVE:
No, it wasn’t, what I read was, erm, …..
JUAN:
You let-, you saw my secrets.
STEVE:
Yeah, I-, I saw that one about …..
JUAN:
You knew that I liked “the” and “and”.
STEVE:
Yeah, I knew that, that’s why I mentioned “the” and “and” …..
JUAN:
I just don’t …..
STEVE:
….. to see if it would give you the horn. Of course, it has.
JUAN:
Yeah, well, of course it has. Oh, f-…
STEVE:
But you wrote to the-, who did you write to about this?
JUAN:
I wrote-, well I, I sent a-, I sent a-, a round robin.
STEVE:
Yeah, that’s no fucking good, why didn’t you send a letter?
JUAN:
Well, I sent a letter later.
STEVE:
What, with the robin?
JUAN:
No, I sent Robin, and then that, you know, it didn’t do fuck all, so I sent a letter.
STEVE:
Robbin’ Peter to pay Paul that is, it’s just fucking stupid, why didn’t you write a letter?
JUAN:
I did write a letter.
STEVE:
Instead of sending some round-fucking-robin.
JUAN:
I sent Robin round because I thought that would be the way to do it.
STEVE:
What, Robin had the letter?
JUAN:
No, I just sent Robin round!
STEVE:
What good is Robin going round?
JUAN:
Until I realised I’d f-, I thought I might ‘s- …..
STEVE:
Where di-, where the fuck did Robin go round to?
JUAN:
He didn’t go round nowhere! I just sent him round!
STEVE:
Round where?
JUAN:
He came back, he said, “Where the fuck am I supposed to go?” I said, “I don’t fucking know, I sent you round, why don’t you fucking go round?”
STEVE:
Why didn’t you send a letter?
JUAN:
Cunt.
STEVE:
Well, have you sent a letter?
JUAN:
I did send a letter, yes.
STEVE:
Who to?
JUAN:
I don’t know! …..
STEVE:
Well-
JUAN:
….. I don’t know! I sent a fucking letter, I wrote the letter and put it in a pillar-box, I don’t know who I sent it to!
STEVE:
What, you didn’t put a stamp on or and address it or anything like that?
JUAN:
No! I didn’t-, fuck that!
STEVE:
Well, …..
JUAN:
Waste a stamp?
STEVE:
….. why don’t you follow what Terry Wogan says on radio?
JUAN:
I do.
STEVE:
He says, “In order for post to get there,” he comes out with all these ha-, handy fucking hints! He says, “Put a stamp on a letter and address it” ……
JUAN:
Oh, fuck that, mate.
STEVE:
….. that’s what I’ve been doing since I’ve seen those ads.
JUAN:
Fuck that. Write an email.
STEVE:
What, with no address?
JUAN:
No address.
STEVE:
Well, did you get a reply?
JUAN:
No! I was fucking furious so I wrote another email.
STEVE:
What, the same method?
JUAN:
Yeah. Got no fucking reply again! The cunts! They’re all cunts out there!
STEVE:
I wrote to Mr Blair.
JUAN:
Yeah, well, …..
STEVE:
I said, “Dear Mr Blair,” you know, respectful, …..
JUAN:
Mmm.
STEVE:
“Pardon the language, but I’ve got the fucking horn.”
STEVE:
And, you know, I thought I’d put it bluntly. “Dear Mr”, I didn’t call her ‘Tony’, I wasn’t familiar. I said, “Dear Mr Blair, …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. I have got the fucking horn and I want to know what you, as leader of the Focus Group Party, plan to do about it.” You know, ah, I was expecting a reasoned reply of some kind.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
What’d I get? A fucking email come back, saying:
JUAN:
“The horn not known at this address.”
STEVE:
No!
JUAN:
Oh.
STEVE:
It said, er, “Mr Blair has read your enquiry with interest but it will not be part of official Focus Group Party policy, though we are sympathetic to your cause.” Well, in my view she hadn’t even read the fucking thing.
JUAN:
Right.
STEVE:
I think some fucking secretary looked at it.
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah, right. Tossed- …..
STEVE:
I wrote to George Bush…..
JUAN:
Tossed it on one side, if you’ll pardon the expression.
STEVE:
I wrote to Bush, that oily heap of shit. I didn’t call him that, you know, …..
JUAN:
No, no, no.
STEVE:
I called him, I said, “Dear Sir”.
JUAN:
You didn’t say “Dear oily piece of shit,” did you?
STEVE:
No.
JUAN:
Oh, thank fuck for that.
STEVE:
No, ’cause that would offend him. He’s tea-total and Texan and that …..
JUAN:
’cause he-
STEVE:
No, he’s not Texan is he? He’s just a cunt of some kind, I forget where he comes from, somewhere.
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah, well we all do.
STEVE:
I wrote, er, …..
JUAN:
We come from the horn, mate, all of us, …..
STEVE:
I wrote to George Bush, …..
JUAN:
….. all of us.
STEVE:
….. I said, er, “Dear Mr Bush, …..
JUAN:
Yeah-h-h, go on.
STEVE:
….. I – have – got – the fucking horn and I want to know what the fucking hell the fucking Religious Pricks Party are going to do about the fucking horn!” And I got absolutely no fucking reply, he was probably huddling with the Rapturists …..

Frankie Vaughan – Green Door

JUAN:
What’s that?
STEVE:
I did a, er-r, quite good experiment for, er, NME, they’re doing a documentary.
JUAN:
Oh, what, on the horn?
STEVE:
Yeah, on the horn, and, er, the documentary people came round, you know, with the cameras, and at first I was a bit self-conscious, you know, like having cameras on you the whole fucking time.
JUAN:
Oh, yeah, well fuck that, mate. Fuck ‘em.
STEVE:
And they said, “Lie down on the bed.”
JUAN:
Fuck ‘em!
STEVE:
They said, “Lie down on the bed, we want, …..
JUAN:
They’ve all got the-, they’ve all got-, they’ve all-, all got the horn.
STEVE:
….. we’re doing this documentary …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. on masturbation, you see.”
JUAN:
Yeah, fucking dirty cunts.
STEVE:
I said, “Don’t call it ‘masturbation’,” I said, “call it ‘wanking’, come on.”
JUAN:
Call it ‘the horn’.
STEVE:
“Call it ‘wanking’, call it ‘having the horn and wanking’,” I said, but they insisted on calling it masturbation, you know, ’cause NME, they have to use long fucking words.
JUAN:
Yeah, fucking cunts.
STEVE:
And, I forget who was the producer, Peter Hammill or someone like that …..
JUAN:
Radio 3, NME, …..
STEVE:
Yeah, all that stuff.
JUAN:
….. fucking- …..
STEVE:
They said, “Lie on the bed and, erm, er, masturbate.”
JUAN:
Mmm!
STEVE:
And, er, I said, er, “What is my motivation?” …..
JUAN:
Uh-heh.
STEVE:
….. and, er, he said, er, “the”. And as soon as he said, “the” …..
JUAN:
You’re off.
STEVE:
….. I started, you-, pumping away, you know, …..
JUAN:
Yeah, w-, he-, …..
STEVE:
….. and it all came out, you know, a great mass of it, and, er, …..
JUAN:
Yeah, what, endless? Endless gobs …..
STEVE:
No, no, about …..
JUAN:
A-, huge gobs of, of, of, hot f-, hot sperm spurting all …..
STEVE:
Well, let’s face it …..
JUAN:
….. endlessly in, into the air, was it?
STEVE:
Quite a lot, and it all landed in my belly-button …..
JUAN:
In your hair.
STEVE:
And they said, “That’s-”, I-, I was just going to get a Klaxon, you know, and wipe it on, and they said, “NO! Hold that, hold that, that’s good, …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. we like that, …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. we like that, …..
JUAN:
Fucking right they do, yeah.
STEVE:
….. It’s very visual, you see,” he said, “very visual.” They said, er, “Could you do that again, …..
JUAN:
Mmm.
STEVE:
….. ’cause we have-, we’ve got a hair in the gate.” I said, “Fucking hell, you’ve got a fucking hair in the gate, you’re fucking professionals?” They said, “It can happen to anyone, you get a hair in the gate.”
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
So I had to do the whole thing again, and he said “the” again, …..
JUAN:
Oh, what, off you go.
STEVE:
….. and I wanked away for half-, you know, about half an hour, ’cause I’d only just cum. And then they said, erm, I said, “Is that all right?”, you know, I came, and they said, “No, we can’t buy that one.” …..
JUAN:
Fuck ‘em.
STEVE:
….. I said, “Why not?” and they said, “’cause you fell short of the belly-button.”
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
I said, “Well, fucking hell, what do you expect the second time around?”
JUAN:
Should have got me mate, I can cu-, I can come, I-, I can come every five minutes. I do-, I-, …..
STEVE:
Well, …..
JUAN:
I just-, I just-, I-, …..
STEVE:
….. I sent them round to your place! I told Peter Hammill …..
JUAN:
I …..
STEVE:
….. or whoever was in charge of the fucking crew, I said, “Go round to Juan’s place! …..
JUAN:
I …..
STEVE:
….. He’ll give you a proper wank and hit his marks.” I wrote to the fucking NME after this experience with them, you know, cumming in my navel then falling short and then them all pissing off. They-, Tha-, tha-, they- …..
JUAN:
Yeah, well, they’re cunts, they are.
STEVE:
Load of cunts, the NME. They-, they drank all my Guinness.
JUAN:
Yeah, fuck, what’d they-, what’d they fucking know about the horn?
STEVE:
They drank all my Guinness.
JUAN:
What’s NME know about the fucking horn?
STEVE:
Nothing.
JUAN:
Fuck all!
STEVE:
I said to them, “Go round to Juan’s place! He’ll show you! …..
JUAN:
Yeah, I’ll show you mate.
STEVE:
….. He’ll show you!” …..
JUAN:
Yeah, f-
STEVE:
….. and I wrote a letter to them, I said, “Dear-,” I wrote to whatever the fucking name is, the head of the fucking NME, who’s their …..
JUAN:
“Dear Cunt”.
STEVE:
Yeah, that’s right, I said, …..
JUAN:
That’s it, yeah, “Dear Cunt”.
STEVE:
I put ‘Cunt, London’ on. I knew that would find him.
JUAN:
Yeah, ‘Cunt, London’ …..
STEVE:
‘Cunt, London’ …..
JUAN:
‘Piss Factory’, ‘T-’, ‘Cunt, NME-’
STEVE:
‘T-’, no, not even ‘NME Centre’, …..
JUAN:
No.
STEVE:
….. you don’t have to put ‘NME Centre’ …..
JUAN:
‘Cunt, …..
STEVE:
….. ‘Cunt, London’, …..
JUAN:
….. London’
STEVE:
….. and it reaches the Director-General of the NME, …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. you can be certain of that.
JUAN:
Yeah. Fucking cunt.
STEVE:
So I said, “Dear Cunt, …..
JUAN:
Yeah-he-heh.
STEVE:
….. your fucking crew came round my fucking place last night and tried to film me fucking masturbating …..
JUAN:
Right!
STEVE:
….. and I did it perfectly well the first take …..
JUAN:
Right!
STEVE:
….. and I said they’d got a fucking hair in the gate …..
JUAN:
Yeah!
STEVE:
….. and I’m paying twenty-five quid a fucking year to have a fucking subsciption and this is the fucking service I get!” And I said, “If we have any more Killers repeats …..
JUAN:
Right!
STEVE:
….. I’ll come round to the NME Centre …..
JUAN:
And beat you to death …..
STEVE:
….. beat you …..
JUAN:
….. with the fucking horn!
STEVE:
….. beat you to death with my horn!”
JUAN:
Yeah-h, I’ll get my fucking horn out and beat the whole fucking NME Centre down!
STEVE:
And what reply did-, what …..
JUAN:
I’ll fucking raze it with my knob!
STEVE:
And what reply did I get? “Dear Sir, we thank you for your enquiry, …..
JUAN:
Cunt.
STEVE:
….. and we regret to say …..
JUAN:
What a f-
STEVE:
….. that we are unable to bring it into NME planning this coming year …..
JUAN:
Fucking hell.
STEVE:
….. but we’ll bear it in mind.”
JUAN:
You see you don’t …..
STEVE:
So I sent round-, “Bear it in mind”, get the sarcasm of that.
JUAN:
Yeah, what a cunt.
STEVE:
The subtle sarcasm of it, …..
JUAN:
“Bear it-”
STEVE:
….. “Bear it in mind”.
JUAN:
Bear it up your arse, mate.
STEVE:
So, I-, ye-, precisely.
JUAN:
Bare your arse.

the sonics – psycho

STEVE:
You know that, er, big jewish nigger who lives down the road?
JUAN:
Oh him, yeah, …..
STEVE:
Huge black cunt with ringlets.
JUAN:
….. ooh, lovely.
STEVE:
I said-, I said to him, I said, erm, “Jesus”, strange name, isn’t it, for a jew?
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:
I said, “There’s a load of cunts at the NME, …..
JUAN:
(laughs)
STEVE:
….. and they need sorting out.” I said, erm, “This should-, should appeal to your fucking primitive urges.” I said, “You like cannibalism, don’t you? You like eating people alive in a frying pan?” I said, “Go round to the NME with some of your mates dressed up in your loincloths and that, …..
JUAN:
(coughs)
STEVE:
….. and, er, paint yourself up in different colours, you know, …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. whatever you cunts do back in Surrey.” And so he said, er, “Ooh, that’s nice, that.”
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
And he-, he said, “What do we do when we arrive?” I said, “Go berserk, …..
JUAN:
Yes.
STEVE:
….. tear the fucking place down, …..
JUAN:
Spunk all over the fucking Centre!
STEVE:
….. spunk all over the Director-General, …..
JUAN:
Yeah-eh, huh, mmm.
STEVE:
….. and, er, kill everyone in the studios.”
JUAN:
Mmm, yeah.
STEVE:
You know, and, erm, I-, he was all, you know, he got about forty of these goy against you boys gathered together to rush round to the NME and I was-, you know, I was really looking forward to it. I was looking to-, looking forward to tuning in to the news that night …..
JUAN:
Mmm.
STEVE:
….. and seeing the news on the NME …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. that the NME had been burnt to the fucking ground.
JUAN:
For-, Forty thousand.
STEVE:
I turned on the nine o’clock news, there was Everett True, calm as a cucumber …..
JUAN:
Yeah, wait …..
STEVE:
No story about anything fucking burning down!
JUAN:
No! Hold on, ho- …..
STEVE:
And do you know what the upper class cunt-cock-arse-black-lesbo-nigger-jew-poof-cunt said when he came back?
JUAN:
No-o.
STEVE:
He said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t find it.”
JUAN:
No!
STEVE:
“I cou-, I lost my way,” he said.
JUAN:
Y-, I …..
STEVE:
“Lost your fucking way!” I said, …..
JUAN:
Bu- …..
STEVE:
“You were more likely wanking down Old Street.”
JUAN:
I done a bit-, I done a …..
STEVE:
Everett True gives me the horn.
JUAN:
Oh what? (throws up)
STEVE:
Everett True.
JUAN:
Oh blimey, Steve! Oh, you know, I wish I didn’t get the horn so much, though.
STEVE:
I wish I didn’t, ‘course …..
JUAN:
’cause my knob aches.
STEVE:
One day-, one day, you know, when you’re-, when you’re very old …..
JUAN:
My knob don’t half ache!
STEVE:
….. you won’t get the-, you won’t get the horn any more.
JUAN:
I’ll tell-
STEVE:
And then when you don’t get the horn you’ll say, “I wish I had the horn.” That’s what you’ll say.
JUAN:
I have to say to Delia, “I can’t do it, I’ve got knob-ache.” And she says, “Like fuck you have, you cunt.” I said, “I have, I’ve got knob-ache.”
STEVE:
What does she know about it? She’s a woman.
JUAN:
Well, she’s a-
STEVE:
She got a knob? Wh-who’s she to fucking talk?! Has she got a knob?
JUAN:
Yeah, well, she ain’t got one of those …..
STEVE:
Put that question to her! If Delia ever says to you-, if ever quest-
JUAN:
Hey, wait a minute!
STEVE:
She has.
JUAN:
She has!
STEVE:
Here, I remember that.
JUAN:
Fucking hell, she has!
STEVE:
It’s a huge knob, isn’t it?
JUAN:
Yeah. Fucking hell, I forgot, she has a knob. Delia has a huge knob.
STEVE:
Has she had it as long as you’ve known her, or is it just a sudden thing?
JUAN:
No, come to think of it – which I do – she’s had it, erm, she’s had it s-, ever since we got married. Oh, I’ll have to go and see Delia about her cock. Maybe she’s got an-
STEVE:
Well, you could probably, on the-, on the Health these days, you could probably have her knob, er, er, increased.
JUAN:
I don’t want it increased.
STEVE:
You’d get a supplementary benefit.
JUAN:
No, I don’t want it increased. It’s f-, no, no.
STEVE:
You want it reduced?
JUAN:
No, I don’t-
STEVE:
Well then you have to fill in a lot of forms to get it reduced.
JUAN:
No, I’ll just have to get used to it, really.
STEVE:
But couldn’t you get tax relief on an unemployed knob?
JUAN:
Probably.
STEVE:
Well I should go into this with your accountant down the-, down the cycle shop.
JUAN:
Yeah. Oh, that gives me the horn.
STEVE:
What, the cycle shop? Yeah.
JUAN:
Yeah-h
STEVE:
I tell you, when they set those wheels spinning, oh, fucking hell!
JUAN:
Oh, you see, I see-, I see-, I look into that and I think, ‘that’s beautiful’, the way those spokes move round, and I get the horn looking at that. I think I’m going to wank myself to death.
STEVE:
Well, I was saying earlier-, I was saying earlier, interesting you’ve mentioned that, that when you get very old …..
JUAN:
Oh, don’t …..
STEVE:
….. y-, you won’t get the horn …..
JUAN:
Oh, don’t!
STEVE:
….. at all.
JUAN:
No.
STEVE:
And you’ll be sitting in this room …..
JUAN:
Oh, frankly, when I …..
STEVE:
….. and you’ll be looking at books and trying to look at the word “and” and “the” and you won’t get the horn at all.
JUAN:
Frankly, when I don’t get the horn, that’s when I take the pills.
STEVE:
What, you’ll, er, …..
JUAN:
‘Cause that gives me the horn.
STEVE:
What, taking pills?
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Suicide gives you the horn, does it? Yeah, I get a bit excited by the idea of-, of suicide.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Gives me the fucking horn, …..
JUAN:
(chuckles)
STEVE:
….. the thought of lying there dying, you know, …..
JUAN:
Alan Vega…
STEVE:
….. with all these pills and knowing that you’re not quite strong enough to get to the phone and ring a doctor.
JUAN:
Oh, my knob don’t half ache.
STEVE:
Yeah, I think of that and it gives me the fucking horn. I imagine Keith Moon had the horn when he-, he was dying. That’s probably why he took all those pills, like, wasn’t it?
JUAN:
Martin Rev…
STEVE:
So he’d get the horn through thinking of dying but, of course, he overdid it and went and died.

But being dead probably gives you the horn as well. I imagine when you’re dead you have the horn …..

solidly, for ever and ever and eternity.
JUAN:
Well, I hope that …..
STEVE:
I imagine Stuart’s got the horn, don’t you?
JUAN:
Wanking over his ‘every rose has it’s thorn’ picture disk…
STEVE:
He’s probably …..
JUAN:
Well, he’s-, …..
STEVE:
….. got a huge prick on him, hasn’t he?
JUAN:
….. he’s fucking wanked all over the world for a good two thousand fucking years, mate.
STEVE:
Yeah, he’s probably got the horn continuously.
JUAN:
Probably a terrible wanker.
STEVE:
Seraphim and cherubim continually do cry. And why do they continually cry? ‘Cause they’ve all got the fucking horn up there.
JUAN:
Yeah, fucking knobs aching up there, mate! Continually crying with knob-ache!
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
I’d like to meet Stuart Grandand and have a few words with him.
JUAN:
Yeah, he’s got-, …..
STEVE:
What a fucking load of crap he wrote.
JUAN:
….. he’s got a lot to answer for.
STEVE:
Stuart Grandand? What a cunt.
JUAN:
Cunt. Genesis P. Orridge? Get fucked!
STEVE:
Thurston Moore?
JUAN:
Death Valley 69? Shove it!
STEVE:
Thurston Moore? Was he-, was he a blogger?
JUAN:
I don’t know.
STEVE:
No, he’s just some cunt.

Hugo Strasser – Black Night

JUAN:
Grunge just gives me the horn.
STEVE:
I get the-
JUAN:
That’s all I fucking care about, grunge and the horn, mate.
STEVE:
Ohhhh.
JUAN:
I live by the horn and shoegazing, I shall live …..
STEVE:
The book of fucking Boomselection-
JUAN:
….. and die for the horn. My-, that’s all I’m interested in, is the horn and bootlegs.
STEVE:
I wrote-, I wrote to the-, the Council of Blogs and I said, “This fucking 20jfg, …..
JUAN:
Mmm.
STEVE:
….. especially, erm, Juan,” …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. I said, “This fucking 20jfg really gives me the horn.” And, er, I wrote, you know, …..
JUAN:
(laughs)
STEVE:
….. civilly to them at the World Council of Blogs, I wrote, “Dear Cunts In Charge Of 20jfg,” you know, familiar, …..
JUAN:
Right.
STEVE:
….. friendly. “Dear Cunts In Charge Of 20jfg, your fucking blog or whatever the fucking thing is don’t half give me the horn, …..
STEVE:
….. I get fucking horny, especially on Stuart!” And I got no reply whatsoever from that. Cunts! No wonder comments are dropping off.
JUAN:
(coughs) No wonder, everything’s dropping off.
STEVE:
You know like it says in the 20jfg …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. that, er, that Stuart, on the whole, …..
JUAN:
On the-?
STEVE:
….. was, you know, fairly nice.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Do you think that’s true?
JUAN:
No, I think he was probably a cunt.
STEVE:
Yeah, I thought that, ’cause, you know, I’ve-, I’ve read the 20jfg, and he comes across so well, you know.
JUAN:
Yeah, well, he comes across a bit too goody-goody, doesn’t he? I mean, he must have had his faults.
STEVE:
I reckon-, I reckon …..
JUAN:
He probably got the horn a lot.
STEVE:
Well, if he didn’t get the horn, then he wasn’t human, was he?
JUAN:
No, right.
STEVE:
And they say he was half human and half Robot …..
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
….. but which half was human? I bet it was the bottom half.
JUAN:
Mmm.
STEVE:
The Robot bit was on the top and, er, the human bit had the horn.
JUAN:
Right.
STEVE:
I bet the Robot bit stopped at his navel …..
JUAN:
Mmm, mmm.
STEVE:
….. and he had the human horn bit underneath.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
So he could be wandering around feeling all nice and saying, “I’m Robot”, up here, you see, but down below-, I suppose his hand would be below, wouldn’t it?
JUAN:
Depends. He cou-
STEVE:
His arm would start off as Robot and then become man as it reached about the wrist.
JUAN:
Probably, yeah, the wrist.
STEVE:
So he could be wanking himself silly, all the time his brain was saying he’s being, er, good to his program, you know.
JUAN:
Silver fucking Apples mate…
STEVE:
What a load of fucking cobblers that is, isn’t it? But there was one bit of the 20jfg I, erm, think was cut out.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Er, it was just after the Devil had been tempting them…..
JUAN:
Oh-h, yeah.
STEVE:
….. and, er, the bit that was cut out said, er, “And Stuart suddenly-”, no, it said, “And lo! …..
JUAN:
“The Devil had the horn.”
STEVE:
No, no it said, “And lo! Stuart suddenly got the horn and wandered out of the Garden of Woebot and fucked himself stupid for twenty-eight years.” And that bit got left out ’cause, erm, I think it was Simon Spoilt Victorian Child thought it would be a bad idea, bad for the image.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
When of course, in my book, it makes him more understandable.
JUAN:
Oh yeah, makes him more human. Oh, well that’s wrong, isn’t it? Yeah.
STEVE:
No, makes the bottom half human, that’s normal.
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:
And the top half Robot.
JUAN:
Yeah, yeah.
STEVE:
They say his right hand didn’t know what his left hand was doing.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Well, I know what his left hand was doing, the same as his right hand.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Fucking encouraging the horn.
JUAN:
Scratching, mate.
STEVE:
But they don’t-, they cut bits out of the 20jfg, like it never says Stuart got athlete’s foot …..
JUAN:
Well, they never gave-
STEVE:
….. from wandering around Bumrocks.
JUAN:
Does it ever sa-, does it ever say …..
STEVE:
Does it mention it? Does it say, “And lo! Stuart was stricken with Bumrocks”? Is that in? No, it’s fucking out, …..
JUAN:
And …..
STEVE:
….. ’cause it doesn’t fit in, does it? …..
JUAN:
….. did it ever say …..
STEVE:
….. With a picture of this holy arse wandering round telling people to be good.
JUAN:
Did it ever say, “And lo! Stuart had a wee-wee”? No.
STEVE:
No.
JUAN:
Nowhere.
STEVE:
Are we to assume that Stuart, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if-, if he did have a piss, why wasn’t it fucking reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn’t it down? Why didn’t Gutterbreakz say, “And Stuart went into the internet cafe, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the prs threats,” and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying, “Take up thy bed and walk,” to some cunt who’s probably perfectly happy begging?
JUAN:
Right.
STEVE:
Makes you fucking sick.
JUAN:
Well, he’s probably be-, he’s probably been, er, misreported. When he said, “Take up thy bed and walk,” he said, “Where’s the fucking bog? …..
STEVE:
Yeah.
JUAN:
….. I’m dying for a slash!”
STEVE:
That’s what he probably said.
JUAN:
Probably what he said, not …..
STEVE:
But …..
JUAN:
….. “take up thy bed and fucking walk.”
STEVE:
….. he’d have said it in binary, which is difficult …..
JUAN:
Who-, who-, I mean, who would have said that? “Take up thy bed and walk”, it’s a-, it’s a giveaway.
STEVE:
That-
JUAN:
“Where’s the fucking bog, I’m dying, mate!” That’s what it was.
STEVE:
“Love thy neighbour as thyself”, …..
JUAN:
I think-, I think …..
STEVE:
….. it’s more, “Love thy Hype-machine, I don’t half fancy her too” and rushing round for a quick one!
JUAN:
(laughs)
STEVE:
(lights a cigarette) He was a human being.
JUAN:
Oh, well, you can’t blame him, can you?
STEVE:
No, of course you can’t.
JUAN:
Had an image-, had an image, mate. He had-, he had to, you know, preserve it. Just think of it, …..
STEVE:
But he gives me the horn.
JUAN:
Yeah? (laughs)
STEVE:
Stuart! Those pictures of him.
JUAN:
Oh, he doesn’t-, Je-, no, he doesn’t give me the horn.
STEVE:
Well, I get …..
JUAN:
I’d forgotten about him, actually. Delia and, yeah, Stuart both. Maybe it’s that beard she’s got.
STEVE:
Has it ever struck you that Delia might be Stuart?
JUAN:
Fucking hell!
STEVE:
Have you seen the sudden-, sudden interconnection?
JUAN:
Hey, wait a moment.
STEVE:
This co-, connection?
JUAN:
The beard …..
STEVE:
Stuart doesn’t give you the horn, Delia doesn’t give you the horn, they both have beards! They both do maths!
JUAN:
And they-, and-, and Delia’s got a knob.
STEVE:
She goes around …..
JUAN:
Delia’s got a-
STEVE:
Stuart had a knob!
JUAN:
Oh, fucking hell, you’ve got me!
STEVE:
Does she write on a blog every now and then? …..
JUAN:
Well, …..
STEVE:
….. ‘course she, ye-, course she does! ‘s right, I’ve got a Scan of that.
JUAN:
Well, it’s-, I-, I though it was just a thing she had.
STEVE:
No! She’s obv-, you-, you’ve obviously married Stuart …..
JUAN:
Ohhh …..
STEVE:
….. who’s come back in the form of Delia.
JUAN:
Ohhh, that’s-, Blimey!
STEVE:
Well, you’d better …..
JUAN:
I feel like-, I-, ohh, that’s-, that’s given me the horn.
STEVE:
But Stuart, you-, no!
JUAN:
I’VE GOT THE HORN! DO YOU REALISE? I’VE GOT THE HORN!
STEVE:
But you don’t get the horn for Stuart or for Delia, …..
JUAN:
No.
STEVE:
….. but the thought of Stuart being Delia gives you the horn.
JUAN:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Well, that’s proof, isn’t it?
JUAN:
Fucking hell.
STEVE:
Two in one and one in two, flush ‘em both down the loo. I think Delia is Stuart. If so, you’re in schtuck, mate!

If this don’t get us done by the prs then nothing will

#Oh, fucking hell
#I’ve l-got the horn
#Oh – I’ve – got – the – horn

Everybody:
He’s got the horn.
#He’s got the horn
He’s got the horn.
#He’s got the horn
#He’s got the horn!
#He’s got the horn
#He’s got the horn
STEVE:
Yeah, he’s got it, he’s got the horn all right.
JUAN:
#He’s got the ho-o-o-orn
#He’s got the ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-orn!!
#He’s go-o-o-o-ot the horn.
STEVE:
He’s got a fucking stalk on him.
JUAN:
#He’s go-o-o-o-ot the horn
#Heee’s got the horn
#Heeee’s got the horn
#He’s go-o-o-o-o-ot the-e-e-e horn
JUAN & STEVE:
#He’s got the horn
#He’s got the horn
JUAN:
#He’s got the horn
#He’s got the horn
STEVE:
No, I ha-, I haven’t-, I haven’t got the horn!
JUAN:
#He’s got the horn
STEVE:
I haven’t got the horn.
JUAN:
#He’s got the horn!
STEVE:
I haven’t got the horn.
JUAN:
#He’s got the horn
STEVE:
I haven’t got the horn.
JUAN:
#He’s got the horn!
STEVE:
It’s no good singing, I haven’t got the fucking horn!
JUAN:
#HE’S GOT THE HORN!!!

STEVE:
I haven’t got the horn.
JUAN:
Nor have I.

happy november.

Epilogue -
This post is tagged with prog