Thursday, April 26, 2007  3:08 pm 

Dead Rising & Falling

One of the 20jazzfunkgreats ‘uns has found himself trapped in a tacky mall in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by zombies of all sizes and persuasions (e.g. pushing trolleys, munching on mutilated limbs, falling around and doing all those things Zombies usually do), as well as a random assortment of psychopaths including a clown that juggles with chainsaws and breathes fire and a sect of christians who dress up in yellow macs and Eyes Wide Shut style masks and worship some sort of weird Egyptian eye painted in blood. That we have decided to dress our own character in a red-devil mask and a basketball outfit doesn’t make us psychos at all, no sir.

Anyhow, this is not the kind of intellectual & cultural environment for which your puny- definitely not buff or overtly competitive, and very respectful of spiders- scribe was designed by his makers, but as Chuck Norris once said to Charles Bronson, ye gotta get on with it pal, so let’s slip the Massacre tape in the walkman, press play and paint this place red. Do it for the children.

It appears that the whole zombie outbreak has something to do with these creepy red-eyed wasps you can find hovering close to large zombie gangs. I haven’t gone far enough into the trip to be able to tell you how or why, the only thing I know is that you can grab one of these ‘zombie associated wasps’ and put it inside a jar, then kill it when you’re surrounded by a big bunch of leery zombies intent on having a peek inside your cranium, if you do this the undead crew will start spazzing out, and at some point drop on the floor, their heads explode into a freaky technicolor rainbow of ghastly colours like this was 1992 all over again, your zombie death toll rises dramatically taking you closer to the next experience level, where you can start putting into practice new assault techniques like the ‘decapitator’! It’s a bit like working in Academia but more physical.

The same happens if you play Melt Banana well loud, you have to unlock secret levels to be able to do this though.

Melt Banana- Cat Brain Land

In their new album, Bambi’s Dilemma, Melt Banana keep on the trail of hardcore ADD destruction with more of a pop edge, by pop edge I mean spiky edged flying saucers coming from the dark voids of space to lop your head, put it inside a glass jar and play telepathic volleyball with it, you stay conscious throughout so it’s a win win situation.

As part of my adventures through the mall I have decided to redecorate the gardening tools store. They didn’t have much in the way of paint or paintbrushes, but the assortment of chainsaws, shovels, axes, saw disks, hammers and shears, and of course a lawnmower made up for this scarcity. Then there was this tool which I found particularly useful, I don’t know what it’s called, it’s like a yellow chainsaw with funny edges, whenever zombies mess around I impale them with it, the blades keep rotating fast and merciless making those bullies spin in the air like helicopters of doom showering blood all over the suit I stole from the fashion store, sheesh, in the air they rise and down they crash, and I can get on with my business quite undisturbed, although a bit wet and sticky.

The sonic equivalent of these morbid pirouhettes would be dis.

Child Abuse- I Hate Me

It would appear the Child Abuse folks have beef with babies (literally??), perhaps too many transatlantic flights surrounded by wee toddlers. Whatever the reason is, they sound like they mean business, and by business we mean testosterone fuelled evil synth aggro soul destruction which numbs the spirit and makes the limbs twitch like we were small vermin burrowing in the hide of a giant lizardskinned albatross which the Butthole Surfers fly over the Kindergarten while throwing lightning bolts from their Scythe of DEATH, all most wholesome in a cathartic way.

Our friends at Lovepump United sent us their S/T album, we love their warm guts but we haven’t seen ‘em yet. One of these days we’ll open a parcel from the USA and find a lil’ kidney inside, a bit dry I guess.

And what better way to end this post than with a CLASSIC of headbanging murder, by the masters of muscular destruction themselves, this is the way I felt after slicing n dicing my way through twelve dozens zombies to save those two poor girls hanging from the giant inflatable new-rave coloured teddy bear in the leisure area. We hear the peoples of Sweden have finally allowed this weird family to call their little baby Metallica, we wonder why would anyone want to do that when you could call it Slayer*.

Slayer- Raining Blood

Which is but the truth.

Now you know why the 20jazzfunkgreats are always so mellow and sweet in their social interactions.

Have a safe weekend, a German techno feature on Gears of War coming your way real soon!!

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*To be honest we were thinking of calling 20jazzfunkgreats baby ‘Skate or Die’, how cool is that?

Stuff

20JFG misanthropic nerds will be making a rare London appearance this Saturday 28th to wreck the Barfly on the Kill ‘em All night hosted by the lovely Filthy Dukes. Mighty Chaddtoddbruce coming up yo. Expect the usual dumb styles- American trouble&bass music, acid shitstorm, boom bap hip hop and crippling noise for the win. Yarr.

NEXT WEEK

Brighton

London

Go and check Joakim’s mix at Allez Allez, what are you waiting for, you popsicles.

Tracklist (WTF!!!)-

barry de vorzon – theme from warriors – (A&M)
rinder & lewis – willi And the hand jive (joakim edit) (AVI)
DAF – der rauber und der prinz (ivan smagghe edit) (virgin)
foremost poets – moonraker (soundmen on wax)
sun la chan – catch (dub) (superradio)
fabio frizzi – main title (long lost godzilla demo)
james cotton – T-Y-O-C Painkillers (2 AM/FM Remix) (spectral)
psyche – neurotic behavior (ART)
gertrude stein interview
plastikman – disconnect (mute)
zru vogue – cumulonimbus (adolescent rec)
findley brown – losing the will to survive (wizard of sleeve remix) (peacefrog)
rachel’s – air conditioning / a closed feeling (quarterstick)
andy partridge & harold budd – through the hill (all saints)

labels >> zombies shopping malls gardening shears name yr kids in

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