Wednesday, May 16, 2007  4:18 pm 

S.U.M.D.A.N.C.E. #1

I have been sort of out of writing proper dance posts for a while because whenever I do I end up coming across like some sort of grumpy motherfucker, hum, like, hum, damn Neu Rave/ post-Neu rave/ gang-rape pseudo electrohouse/indie dance hooligans get off my jacking Chicago lawn old skool raver massif or something, but hey, a kid needs a party from time to time so there we go, this is part of a little dance series I’m gonna be doing with none other than the Genuine Guy hisself, so get ready for some pumping stuff, you’re gonna have it.

On why blog house don’t excite me much:

Sirens of doom

Picture this: the jaunty hunchback climbs up the belfry of a gothic cathedral, grabs those knotty rat nibbled ropes, gravity vs material science **klang klang klang** it bangs sending all the inbred motherfuckers of the god-forsaken village into a pagan frenzy, woah, no crusades this year and the plague only took half of the population, woo ha we’re well psyched let’s party. Only on special occasions you do this though, using it too much turns the sound into a cliche, oh here comes hunchback with the bell again, we don’t want that. Same with the siren, which populates so many cod dance tunes these days, theorem:

‘If everything is a crescendo there’s no crescendo, use the signifiers of total dancefloor explosion wisely’

Now for some examples of legendary sirens which have destroyed more parties (and bedrooms) than Kublai Khan ravaged empires, there you go buster.

Armand Van Helden- The Witch Doctor

Or Armand Van Helden throwing all subtlety out of the window, running down the stairs, out in the street and giving it a good beating, the brainfloor is dancefried, Cimmerian House anyone?

Maurice- This is Acid, a new Dance Craze (K&T mix)

I know we already posted a remix of this, but then I was playing the legendary Maurice ‘This is Acid’ 12 in my bedroom, as I do everynight, and this K&T mix kicked in and the sock monkey Stuart gave me for my birthday, which goes by the name of Chickpea, went mad, it started prancing around and shit, it even spilled the water on the carpet, jeesus. Not pretty, at least on the outside, but then Acid House was never about pretty unlike you think sweat is the look to go.

I wear my Skygoggles at night

I was watching Spaced on sunday and they all went to the club and stuff, and I thought, erm, hey, this is it. There was Mike wearing a jester hat doing military dance routines and all the club was imitating him, wtf. This begets the following theorem:

Any dance song you could imagine dancing to while wearing skygoggles is a good dance song.

Like this:

Egyptian Empire- The Horn Track (Luke Slater Remix)

Where the four horsemen of the apocalypse as portrayed using glorious 1920s animatronics by Murnau are summoned by Egyptian Empire and Luke Slater to wreak havoc in a dancefloor full of wackos and weirdos, someone passes ‘plague’ a pint full of water, that’s a cracking outfit mate, question: ‘did you know you’re gonna die?’ What did you say, I couldn’t hear you with all these shitstorm breakbeats, buff men making noises, pseudo-arabian melodies, cheesy robot samples and mindblogging management of sound levels, this is enough to turn even the best-adjusted chartered accountant into a raving babbling drooling maniac.

Beat Astrogation

Another theorem for Dance Music 101:

Any dance song that makes you think of some guy sitting in his studio crouching over lots of weird looking equipment, toggling with this knob and raising that equaliser, banging his head like he was Data receiving stupid amounts of information via his positronic connector, and this was the Enterprise just about to start a journey into a Black Hole of sound, that’s a good dance song.

Mike Dearborn- Hardcore Swinger

Can you take any more drums? This tune by Mike Dearborn sounds like playing two copies of Valetta Fanfares with a wee lag while the acid bassline off Daft Punk’s live set on the other room reverberates like mad, the guys who designed this club didn’t have accoustics in mind but the people down there are going totally maracas.

And that’s it for now, to be continued.

labels >> DANCE, acid, drums, geekipedia