20jfg, the drugs thing? It’s all an act. Long gone are the distant days of dexys and quaalude fuelled space rock abandonment, now replaced by Moscow Mule and vegan snack fuelled evenings of Eurovision. The panel’s still out on which is more surreal.

The Ukraine’s Bowery meets Biggins glitter alien camp has filled us with visions of a nation whose JD Sports is entirely designed by ex-club kids while Bulgaria’s 90s ‘ardcore drum track number shows us where rave is really still alive and kicking, dancing naked in the rain, driving an ice cream van.

In fashions this year we were glad to see mostly Lordi inspired goth, with the unfortunate effect of every other artist missing the point and aspiring to Evanescence, but were distressed the lack of the hi-energy Army of Lovers/Jim Steinman production we have grown to expect. Diamanda Galas would have fitted in well, and lets not forget Georgia’s own Bjork.

Sweden produced some sort of Hanoi Rocks/Babalon Zoo hybrid ripping off Love Grows where my Rosemary Goes in the style of The Sweet and Goldfrapp, which gave Sarah Pain a glint in her eyes while Israel’s prematurely ejected multilingual Ronnie Talk to Russia of Bush The Button was a sad loss.

With song writers from countries around Europe and the other countries (I’m kinda lost on who can enter these days) already clamouring, we have some suggestions for next year’s entrees for 10!

Golden Bug – Barbie’s Back (Blow version)

xxjfg would like to enter VW inspired disco sensation Golden Bug. Those with a working knowledge of the band Aqua will obviously be more stupefied by this, but if you haven’t – just stay with it for the South Park kicks.

Umpah Umpah Liquid Liquid carnival drum machines get us sick for the false start, before vocals narrate an adult but less than mature tragicomedy of Barbie’s life as imagined by Jacqueline Susanne. Ken lost all his money and takes it up the butt to support his habit, and turns poor Barbie into a group gang-bang Motley Crue wife.

In the end our heroin goes to prison for driving a car without a licence when she already got done for drink driving. For some B.L.O.N…..oh I don’t knows life imitates art before art has a chance to light its own farts.

Barbie has an online petition somewhere to free her from prison, but we at xxjfg would prefer your money to go to the good people of Gomma who are realising this charity record in aid of, erm…..releasing some more kick ass music? Barbie’s Back is camp glitchy kitschy eurotrash, which perhaps belays the real power of this track in Golden Bug and their production style, likely to make any self respecting Ed Banger fan shit their pants.

Eurovision holds a long tradition of going straight to for the disco, whether French, Belgian or German, all be it usually produced by Italians.

Ovo – Mammut

Load Records Italian band Ovo make the kind of tunes sure to win the Norwegian black metal vote, Finland’s goth hearts and the left over Lordi fans from last year.

If the Bulgarian entry had been possessed by the Evil Dead, they might come close to Ovo drum thrash horror.

At parts sweet and others spine chilling, Ovo are closer to the death rattle of Melt Banana than most Eurovision entries dare to tread, but with winners becoming more minority interest this could be a future technique for vote winning.

The resident deluge of Rickey Martin/Julio Iglesia2.0 resulted this year in unsubtle innuendo filled tracks from Greece, Turkey and others with a mediterranean bent, which made England’s sub-Carry On grasping seen like politically correct comic genius.

Next year we recommend a return to disco through the !!!esque big band numbers of Escort. Now here is something Arthur Russell and Mark Moore would be proud of. Just don’t mention the Brand New Heavies.

Escort – All through the night

Start with the chorus, it’s an archetypal song righting structure, and that’s what Escort do here before laying down into a hot breathed Donna Summer and Millie Jackson layered classic false orgasm, and kicking in with the Cowley.

Wendy and Lisa party down with Tina Weymouth and her sisters while Chromeo dribble in envy.

The Mary Jane Girls have a meeting in the ladies room with Klymaxx which Spektrum bootleg and re-edit for something very special which everyone we play this too thinks is an authentic undiscovered vintage track.

Escort have that genuine funk disco to a tee, done with so much taste it actually hurts. I’m changing my mind about this being an inspiration to Eurovision, even for countries that go street-urban, it’s just too good.

For those 4 and a half hours, it was fun. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. Now they can all go back to appearing at whatever the G.A.Y. equivalent is for each country, with a pride that millions of viewers having seen then once for two and a half minutes, with no political or nationalistic bias, used there nimble fingers and hard earned cash to give them love it the truest sense.

As a footnote to the pitiful Pete Waterman style UK entry, the only way I could listen to it was imagining Mark E.Smith singing it with Frankie Howerd and June Whitfield, which gave us a warm glow inside. It’s a shame Morrissey didn’t enter, we would have liked to see him lose.

As luck would have Ovo will be gracing us with a special appearance in Brighton, playing all their Eurovision hits.

Tuesday 22nd May at The Greenhouse Effect, Brighton.

Ovo
+ support from I’m Being Good
Zettasaur
20jazzfunkgreats djs
and special guests Scootch (or if not available Colin form Edgeworld serving salty nuts, while Ashley asks if you’d like something to suck on)

Epilogue -
This post is tagged with rave space rock