Tuesday, October 16, 2007  10:42 pm 

Stargate

We are on a journey. We are on a journey to find the best club ever. Since living in outerspace we have realised that we have to make a concerted effort to create our own fun but this is just becoming tired (plus, Soulseek doesn’t work past the perimeters of our solar system and it doesn’t matter how much money you paypal them for privileges). So its back to Earth then.

We have boarded and salvaged what we can from the spaceship that Dave abandoned a few light years away from Jupiter at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. While he is busy soaring through the great cosmic 60’s neon drug ejaculation to starchild status, we have rewired Hal 9000 into a vocoder-voiced computerslave that is downloading information on underground discos, boxsets of Giallos horror movies and the precise location of Screamers mixtapes and leather jacket patches. We picked up a group of bored Plutonian housewives and now this crack team of blue skinned beauties are plotting a course for home whilst cooking up choco-cereals and pancakes.

Our chief flight coordinator has picked up a strong signal bouncing off of the dark side of the Moon and has deciphered its code as that of the new 12″ from disco (not disco) porn-house pioneers, In Flagranti. Its origin is from a remote desert location, and a course is set.

In Flagranti - Effective Placebo Affect

We touch back down on Earth, a blistering hot day in middle America. Our convertible Delorian can take the heat though, its got those sophisticated future technologies that we could bore you with but won’t just now. We are trying to home in on the radiowaves from 1982 on our in-car stereo but that’s proving difficult. We slide in a holodisc and on comes Hatchback with a track that seems to sense how blue the skies above us are and how smooth our ride along the dry dusty road is going, juxtaposing our 90mph speed with a slowed bpm and elastic robofunk bassline, all the while considering that we have just seen space and we are not so easily impressed anymore.

Hatchback - Carefree Highway

The kid from Flight Of The Navigator buzzes us in his giant chrome kidney-shaped spacecraft hollering about some new disco opening up tonite, and then Stu stands up in the back of the car and punches the air over and over as we glimpse the city on the horizon silhouetted by the sunset.

We have no idea where we are now, this metallic metropolis is unfamiliar to us. No sign posts lead us here, it was just instinct and a faint throbbing bassline luring us in a particular direction.

We find the club in a dark part of town, down by the docks, synthesised bleeps ricocheting off of the cranes and ship masts, a lurid neon light darts back and forth from a back alley casting the panther-like shadow of the Delorian across a line of eager clubbers. We go to the front and the rope is unclipped for us to breeze through.

Ilija Rudman - After Midnight (L.S.B. Remix)

Inside, all the guys either look like Daft Punk or Giorgio Moroder and dance like you would imagine them to and the women are a cross between Leiji Matsumoto heroines and A Clockwork Orange milkbar mannequins and move like no one would expect. The synthesised disco beats come thick and fast, firing into our minds on lasers and light pulses shone from a ceiling covered in mirrorballs. To be honest this much fun could be too much, or we could get used to it and never leave. But then closing time comes so we leave.

Juan turns the key in the ignition of the Delorian and then flicks a silver switch which raises the car in the air, flips the wheels 90 degrees, blasts fire out of the boosters at the rear and before we know it we are docking with our hijacked spacecraft once more.

On deck, the Pluto babes are going apeshit with delight for we have received a special message from the Martian Disco Council leader, Commander Simonetti, personally inviting us to a galactic show from Glass Candy.

We turn toward Mars and cruise towards the coordinates stated on the digital flyer. We arrive at the space docks of Phobos and pull up alongside Chromatics who have come along for the show in their galactic Transylvanian castle cruiser, blacked out windows and robo-skeleton crew as standard. Martian tones over the pa system inform us of 5 minutes until showtime.

Glass Candy - Digital Versicolor

Ida No is resplendent in translucent oranges and greens, her vocals manifest in colours, violet and blue, spinning and coiling into the heavens and creating stargates in gigantic explosions that rain down crystal dust. Johnny Jewel plucks asteroids from space and grinds them down into tectonic synth beats that can be heard in neighbouring solar systems, echoing from one end of the universe to the other.

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