We are totally psyched by the underworld cup taking place this summer. It is the last one before the mythical date of 2013, or the apocalypse prophesied in the Mayan calendar. This means that whatever happens could have serious repercussions re: the shape of the spiritual thereafter. Wizened bookies with totally for real totems straight off Big Trouble in Little China are taking bets in the back rooms of occult libraries all over the world. Here you have some tips so you don’t end up wasting priceless shards of your soul on the hopeless chances of a lame duck.

The Christians squad, always a favourite as boosted by the massive karma of a zillion believers didn’t do so well in the qualifiers, and there are questions about their manager- he’s got some dubious players in his rooster. Ditto for the Cabala dudes and the boys of Allah, too much focus on earthly settlements and fancy headgear, and not enough on the esoteric gymnastics.

This means that the proper old school contenders might finally have a chance to break organised religion’s stronghold over the cup of cups. The Vampire team are the favourites of young audiences these days- they are licking their sharp fangs in anticipation, and so are the zombies who have dominated popular culture over the last 2 or 3 years. I mean, their decaying rotting teeth, that’s what they have. The Satanists recently received a sponsorship from the house of Goldman and Sachs which we are sure they have invested on powerful spells and hardcore training. The prospect of spending an eternity in the pit if they don’t get to the quarter finals at the very least always does a lot for their morale and esprit de corps.

Pagan witches, wizardly masters of the occult and brainy telepaths have done poorly in the last decades, dragged dawn by skanky peddlers of poor quality crystals, Quidditch mania and second rate evidence of paranormal activity- but they may still give us a surprise- they have some really good songs, and in this game kids, that matters.

We welcome Laurel Halo first, chanteuse of the occult and mistress of the dance of the seven gnostic layers. Metal Confection, including in her King Felix Ep (get free here) is an irresistible torch song for fuzzy episodes of levitation in Welsh hills surrounded by an army of vigilant stones.

Think Planningtorock after 15 years studying forbidden grimoires in the cloister of a convent towering over craggy cliffs, for ever besieged by lightning bolts and eerily anthropomorphic bats. The confidence with which the whole affair is delivered is further proof of her steady hold over mighty forces.

Laurel Halo- Metal Confection

Another rather awesome tune of hers, ‘Embassy’, was forkasted last week.

Troll Town’s sword and sorcery themes will go down a storm with wizardry supporters, sure to engage in all sorts of prestidigitation and stroking of familiars sitting in top of a glowing mushroom of emerald glamour come from nowhere, as his gentle chimes etch a delicate tapestry of liquid threads over the brutal forms of so-called reality, connecting actionable cores of Aristetolian substance to be manipulated with sleight of hand by practitioners of all ages. We call it W-funk, and it’s going to be all the rage this summer .

Troll Town- Sword & Shield

Sword and Shield is included in the Chevalier EP, that you can fetch from here

Trans Am, cosmic joke avatars and no-nonsense rhythm saviours of a post-rock scene traditionally afflicted by a tremendous lack of sense of humour are of course rooting for the telepaths, you need but check out their sci-fi/celestial mechanics themed ‘Thing’ album, forthcoming in the brilliant Thrill Jockey.

I watched Herzog’s ‘Encounters at the End of the World’ the other day, where this scientist spoke of connecting with the spirit world where neutrinos flow jolly and unhindered via a balloon sent in the stratosphere from an Antarctican shed decorated with Hawaiian esoterica. Can you get more out there than that? Yeah, just play Trans Am while you make your call to another dimension. +75% of success, it is endorsed by Stephen Hawking and everything pal.

Trans Am- Interstellar Drift

Trans Am will be playing with 20JFG faves Lazer Crystal at Corsica Studios in London on the 11th of May.

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This post is tagged with Cosmic