20 Jazz Funk Dates

Sometimes it’s hard to be a blogger. As the 36-times recycled air in your netbunker begins to scald your already desacated lungs, one starts to ponder what life is like ‘out there’. When the unshorn proportions of your yellowed nails prevent you from downloading that next zipfile, one begins to wonder if time spent outdoors with a beautiful lady, might be more exhilarating than owning some douchebag on a Chillwave message board. Trust us, we were once that bearded wretch with an RSS feed hooked up directly to the vein, and even though the sun tears through our retinas like some long-banned form of medieval torture, it’s good to get out once in a while.

But it’s not easy to meet girls in this day and age. This is why, in our continuing stream of cynical money making schemes, we have started a 20JFG dating service. Already we have filled a 1TB gigaserver full of the details of gorgeous women you can meet, and some of them even gave us permission to do so. Sign up free (for a limited period) today and our highly advanced algorithm will pick you a guaranteed life partner on the basis of having 3 superficial facts in common. Not only that, but using next-century Musicblog (TM) technology, our mainframe will also be able to select the perfect record with which to woo your date, should you be lucky enough to get her back to your place.

So let us introduce a couple of the lovely ladies you could meet today. Female readers worry not, part 2 of this series is coming as soon as we have finished compressing all our Hunkdata into easily uploadable Manfiles (.MAN).

Meet Wendy. She’s 26 and works in the accounts department of a small law firm. Her hobbies include badminton and fine wines. She says her ideal date would be to spend an entire day stalking the living, followed by dinner by the river. She would like to meet an intelligent man with a good brain and warm, tasty flesh. Let’s see what tune A.L.A.N. (that’s the name of our server, no idea what it stands for) has picked for guaranteed seduction.

Ben Butler and Mousepad plot an uncharted course between the spare time experiments of bearded Open University maths lecturers circa 76 and a strain of synth funk that’s so illicitly wonky that it can only be practiced by Norse clerics in remote scandinavian villages. Oh, and did someone say prog? We already brought you BBMP mark one some time ago. Now they are 2 with a ramped up live show that’s akin to watching Yes had they listened to Remarc and replaced Rick Wakeman with Herbie Hancock in an unrelated move. ‘Future Tent’ comes skweeing in from a slightly mellower plain, skewing our dancefloor into a very definite 45 degree angle, sending all manner of airbrushed pastel solids and pixelated 8-bit robo-warriors sliding into the disco lights of the hired DJ on the other side. Future Tent is out now on Norwegian label Dodpop, a split 7′ with Sprutbass.

Ben Butler and Mousepad – Future Tent

Of course, if things don’t work out with Wendy, she does have a sister.

Ben Butler and Mousepad – Future Tent (Genuine Guy remix)

In fact she has six. Ben asked many of his favourite craftsmen to rebuild his Tent in the way they thought best providing A.L.A.N. with 6 suggestible tracks with which to woo Wendy’s many siblings. Visit the BBMP Bandcamp to pick them all up for free. All of them are or course, awesome, but here, because his sinister presence lies behind the shadowy cover of this post,  is a low-res version of the Genuine Guy mix. Let us here no more about it.

Meet Jane. She’s 41 and is the regional manager of  a well-know retail chain. Her hobbies include bell ringing, spells and the occasion game of Bridge. Her ideal man is someone who enjoys being strung up by the feet and tortured mercilessly for hours on end before being sacrifice to some obscure, inverted pagan demigod. A tough one but we programmed A.L.A.N. to be infallible so let’s see what he’s got for us.

Both Rocha and International feel have had offerings made upon this scuffed-up webslab before. IFEEL appear to be absolutely hellbent on peppering the entirety of 2010 with unbelievable spacejams that we can never resist sharing and the new Rocha is no exception.

Rocha – Feel the Love (Joakim ‘Its’s so Real’ Remix)

Joakim turns the original into an rave odyssey muted by baroque disciplines where clavinet players 200 years apart do battle across time, their analogue stares meeting to create a window through we can see scenes from a cybernetic remake of Dangerous Liasons where Aristocrats faces to reveal a mass of sparking circuitry after being slain by a troupe of time travelling disco hippies who weren’t too keep on their bourgeois styles. Joakims’s mix of Feel the Love is being released amongst a plethora of other amazingness upon 2 x 12’s very soon. Pick em up here.