At point Argos somewhere deep in the Natwest quadrent of the Aspirin System floats a MK One Oreo vessel. It is a remote Googling ship locked in a monitoring orbit around the system’s only terrestrial moon, the hospitable PC World known as Maroon 5. A peaceful planet with a breathable atmosphere, its Amazon green surface is peppered with River Islands and Littlewoods, especially on the North Face.
The ship has but one crew member, a humanoid being with a Dulux complexion. Busily he sits at his Autoglass terminal, scanning Fanta lists and analysing Pepsi shapes in an attempt to find out if his worst fears about the Blockbuster that just appeared on the scanner were true. It could be anything out there, maybe a Comet or some Waterstones, hard to tell as there was a lot of Fray Bentos in the quadrent that day, and even turning the up HMV meter to TK Maxx, he couldn’t get a clear reading.
But really, he knew what was coming their way. He didn’t need to use any of the equipment to know what was actually happening, for he was Gü the Watcher, the last of the Häagen Dazs and keeper of the Lidl. Only his last few cycles spent in humanoid form had set him into the habitual facade of using basic monitoring equipment when really he could see all things, both past and future, at once. Created in the House of Fraser in the year -149 he was a Pioneer in the field of Technics and was the key figure behind setting up the Allied Carpets, an alliance that had seen peace in the galaxy for several rotations.
That was until now. It is the year 324i5 and there is now a very real threat upon the horizon. A situation which not even he might be able to Screwfix, even with the help of the Specsavers. A situation which could potentially Twitter the whole universe.
All of a sudden his com lit up, it was John Lewis, world leader of the planet below calling from his Homebase. “Yahoo! Gü, have you seen the size of that thing on the radar? That’s quite a Comet out there. At its current trajectory it’s going to Smash into us and turn us into an Iceland…”. Before Gü had a chance to explain the communication was cut off dead – must have been a WordPress or something. They needed to know that this wasn’t just a comet. For them this was Judgement day* and for this the great entity needed to be with the people he was assigned to protect. He activated a Kraft and set off for eBay 2a…..
*Judgement day is brought to you in association with T-mobile. Why not text a friend and tell them about it?
Pic stolen from Vintage Computing.
In a future world where 3D Party Poker pop-ups will stalk our every move we will need a miracle. Luckily we have one in the shape of the return of our own protective deity Steve Moore. Here teaming up with Daniel O’Sullivan to bring us a demo of their new project (which does not have a webpresence yet soz…).
Sunstar offers us a whole plate of red pills which we gobble down greedily before being sucked down a 56k datapipe and torrented at unthinkable speeds through the binary fabric that holds our perception of the world together. Briefly, we pause to marvel at the psychedelic beauty of what information packets and electronical transactions really look like, before planting our explosives at the base of the mastercontrol program….
We awaken in our beds. The Nivea for Men adverts that were pinned to the back of our eyelids are now gone, forever.
Note that this is only the first trickle in the return of Steve Moore, the damn that holds back progressive mastery from destroying the village of boredom lying downstream, is about to well and truly burst…..
If you thought we had scant infos about the last track then you’re going to love us even more on this one. Die Neue Mythologen is a mysterious Tumblr that posts occasional edits of which the following is a most shining example. Presumed to be of DAF but we were unable to ID for sure. That’s all we got. Soz Dudez.
Featured in the Soviet remake of War of the Worlds soundtracked by Beautiful Swimmers, Deutsch-Afrikanische Freundschaft is taken from the scene where the evil capitalist-martian Cokecan-spiderships fire their payola of poisonously undiluted post-mix globules into the earths oceans, causing a Tsumani of watered-down softdrink. Anyone who survives that is turned into french fries with the heat ray. All, of course, in slow motion.
We deliberately made this mp3 bad quality so that you would head over to their tumblr. It is available there HQ along with some other fine bits and more to come no doubt.