J Biebz x ∞

Extracts from the diary of Marie Gibbs, aged 14.

December 21st 2209AD

Only 4 days til Biebermas and I’m so super excited! We learnt some more about the true meanings of the festival at Sunday school today. They said that many hundreds of years ago, before the coming of J Biebz, some of the world celebrated a Pagan festival named X-mas around this time of year. But in 2010 AD a record company, realising the success of the J Beibz x 800% Internet meme, slowed his follow-up single down by a factor of infinity. The resulting meme was so transcendentally beautiful, that anyone who heard it became entranced, rejecting their currently held beliefs and hailing J Biebz as the prophet and saviour to guide us into blinding light of the eternal rapture. Even the cynics and atheists began to believe.

Now, every year on this date we celebrate the passing of one sixteenth beat from the eternal holy song that the messiah named ‘Baby’, and every 32 years we welcome in the beginning of a new kick drum. The priests say that in a few years, on bar 16, J Beibz will come in and we will finally hear the sweet voice of god. The prophecy also says that just before the middle 8, someone has left a Soundcloud comment containing the physical form of J Beibz, and upon its arrival we will learn the meaning of the universe from his divine teachings.

Wow, I’d really like to be around to see that, but they say it’s not going to happen for another thousand years at least. Anyway, my mum says I should go to bed now but tomorrow I’m going to write all my Biebermas cards and help mum wrap all the presents.

December 31st 2212AD

OMG so psyched!! Today is the last day of bar 15, at twelve midnight we will move into bar 16 and finally hear the sublime voice of J Biebz, supreme master of all things good and right in the cosmos. Dad has gone out with rest of the guys from the university to try and record the voice of god. He said that they are going to analyse the recording in the hope of solving some of the mysteries of life. I can’t wait!!!!

January 1st 2213AD

I’m so upset I can barely write. Dad just came home, he looked like he had seen a ghost. We all heard his voice, it was soooo beautifal, but dad said they ran some tests on the recordings that they made, he said they sped up the recording and what we heard was not the voice of J Biebz at all, and what humanity had been listening to for the last 200 years was not the divine and eternal sonic continuum of ‘Baby’, but actually a Sigor Ros album played back at normal speed. Our world is in tatters, our beliefs were based on an elaborate hoax!! Who will lead us now from temptation, J Beibz was just a regular teenager like me. I don’t think I can write any more today :-(

Q. Who could possibly be qualified enough to mould the drifting dunes of Psychic Ills epic ‘Mantis’ into a dancefloor?

Psychic Ills – Mantis (Juan Atkins remix)

This is indeed a true honour. Those high minded folk at RVNG have curated an astonishing EP of Psychic Ill’s collaborations with legends of the kindred fall including Hans-Joachim Irmler and Gibby Haynes. Here Juan Atkins picks up the Jodorowsky burn of the orignal’s creeping guitar embers and scatters them across a cinereal landscape, where the debris of a dead robotics industry reactivates to throw warehouse parties in abandoned factories in order that they may amalgamate with the souls of their human guests. Just you wait for that breakdown……

Pre-order it here.

Those high minded folk at Nocturnes have had the foresight to release a new Brassica record.

Brassica – New Jam City

If we slowed down Justin Bieber by 800%, taped over him with a bunch of astral boogie which is made out of a D Train record slowed down by 300%, added some reverb and false harmonics then taped over the whole thing with Sigur Ros and then smashed up the tape, would it sound anywhere near as good as ‘New Jam City’? No it would not. There is not a software in the world that can fabricate Brassica’s warmth, attention to detail and melodic kinship, and we doubt there ever will be.

Pre order here. Nocturnes are also putting on a special party this Friday in London containing many 20jfg faves including half of Gatto Fritto, Ali Renault, Moscow and JR Seaton – check the Facebook event here.