Things have been pretty quiet in the 20 Jazz Funk Dates office since we launched a few weeks ago. The phone rings never with the silence of a firing squad’s post-coital epitaph, and our inbox is deader than the crims they just shot. What’s wrong with people these days? Is everyone shacked up already? Were the hotties on offer just not smokin’ enough? Some of those girls are on 60 a day – what more do these dudes want, a personality?
Fearing an old skool lynching by the shareholders (now common practice in these days of recession) we recruited the best business analyst money can buy. He told us that if we want to make our web 2.7 startup a success will need some fancy new apps and features that one else has even got yet. We then typed ‘improve web 2.7 startup business’ into Google and the top search result was ‘build some fancy new apps and features that one else has even got yet’, which we read as we opened the invoice from our business analyst for £10,000. You live and learn.
So we set to work. After several rides around the office on our fold-up scooters, we came up with a whole host of upgrades which are sure to make your single lives just that little bit easier. New features include CheckM8 – an app which uses updated S.O.N.A.R technologies to detect and quantify incoming levels of being checked out, by indiviuals in a given radius. Kiss goodbye to embarrassing knock-backs! Next we have B-R Goggles, an Augmented Reality app for iPhone which will help improve your date’s overall look, should it turn out they are not your taste. And lastly, the CheckM8 app would be useless without some killer opening lines, so we present to you the IceBr8ker chip – a brain implant that constantly receives hot chat up line ideas from our chirps Satellite. The on board hard drive currently contains up to 100 classy lines which are all guaranteed to be SITF (slap-in-the-face) free.
But of course, there was one major blunder that was staring us right in the face the whole time (and possibly hitting on us according to our CheckM8 app). We were only catering to one sex and therefore only 50% of the market! So here it is. Ladies! as promised here are just some of the macho studmuffins potentially rippling their way out of our databanks and into your lonely lives. As ever, our newly rebuilt pop-picking algorithm A.L.A.N will be selecting the cuts that will help you make the cut with each potential candidate of the heart. In a further system upgrade we have given him the personality of Calum Best, and the voice of Jude Law.
They are sure to give us that hundred grand when we go on Dragon’s Den now.
Meet 1001010010, he’s 00110 years old and works as a security guard, protecting Michael Davenport of Romford’s computer from Spyware. On the side he does a bit of modelling, sometimes posing for clip-art stock photos designed to represent ‘the internet’. At the weekends he likes to switch it up and kicks back in hexidecimal, having a few games of 001H with his 2D4A, or maybe a kick-about at the 55D1.
Let’s see what A.L.A.N (the only computer program that smells of Hugo Boss aftershave) has to offer as his tip for guarenteed back-to-yours seduction. This one is kind of cheating for A.L.A.N, as he drinks down the 986T with him.
Bruce Haack. Electric soothsayer of bedroom wonksong that now surrounds us as all the rages. Eternal 20jfg reference point but never-a-featured in his own right. Bruce Haack. Harbinger of things to come, yet consistent out-shiner of many of the things that did. Bruce Haack. Weaver of ambiguous narrative structures that get better every time. Bruce Haack. What a guy.
In honour of the wonderous talkbox comp that came out recently via those purveyors of finest hip-hop follies Stone’s Throw, (and 20jfg’s all new return to the source policy), we pay our own respects to count Haackula. And upon a revisitation to ‘Stand up Lazarus’ we find traces of Haack in new places in our mind, in our record collections and in our imaginations. The lyrics to this song being better than anything we could write in response to describe it.
Meet CK-B. CK-B’s story is a sad one, so please only get in touch if you’re serious about dating him. Pictured here with his ex-wife, CK-B was the flagship device of the British Goverment’s cybernetic research program. The closest they had, or will come to recreating the look and personality of a human being. CK-B was alive. Or at least he was until they cut his funding to bail out the chairman of British Gas after he lost his cash card. This was 5 years ago. His wife has remarried. He is currently de-activated in a cupboard in Salisbury. A tricky one, but A.L.A.N what have you got for us?
So we heard that lo-fi music is all the rage these days. But really any scenario where Tascam adventurers are enabled to go a bit further into the magnetic fields of their own devising is perfectly fine by us. Since we introduced you to the Wonder Wheel of Paul Rosales also a few weeks ago, we have been inundated with a flurry of his other works including videos, more and most notably a compilation of of other bands he’s produced including Dash Jacket and Pearl Harbour (free to d/l from here).
‘When You Call’ is the beauteous schizoid trash-ballad that leads our weary aged mind into a rain soaked tale of FM synthesis youth. A cut that didn’t quite make it to the Wonder Wheel album (which is frikking awesome BTW) it is our collective present to you right now.
Check out the WW blog for more PAR news.Epilogue -
This post is tagged with prog