Recently, Macintosh users may have noticed a new symbol unexpectedly appear upon their dock like a pimple appears upon your face before a hot date. Seruptitious and illicit, many have tried to ignore this new icon at their peril – for it burns upon your desktop like a cigarette through ancient newsprint. Throwing it in the trash will only makes matters worse, for the antagonist symbol will appear instead on the dock in your mind, glowing, throbbing, impossible to resist – ‘what will happen if you click on me?’, ‘oh, why don’t you click on meeehh?’ it says. But whatever you do – no matter how much it tempts, begs, or teases – DO NOT CLICK  ON THAT BUTTON.

Yes that’s right, never one to be left behind in the race to sell superfluous technology to people who don’t want it – last month 20 Jazz Funk Greats rolled out its very own App Store (without telling anyone). Unfortunately there have been a few teething problems. Apart from the our aggressively telepathic dock icon that went out with the last OS X update (Apple didn’t even notice), we maybe didn’t bother to run a background check on some of our suppliers, and we sure as hell didn’t bother to test out the suspicious beta versions they sent us. So we reiterate – DO NOT CLICK ON THAT BUTTON. But if you must, and because we value you – the 20JFG reader – in a sane and alive state, then here is a guide to some of the apps currently on offer that are best avoided.

FLAMEY

Flamey is a CURSE-APP that puts an icon in the right side of your menu bar. Click it to prevent your Mac from automatically going to sleep, dimming the screen or starting screen savers. Flamey also prevents the user from going to sleep by putting a huge yelling icon right in front of their face, and shooting (100% guaranteed real) flames out of the the side of their laptop. There’ll be no more late assignments of lack of productivity again, as every time you feel your eyes closing Flamey’s there yelling satanic incantations to ensure that you never, ever sleep again. Download now for £1.99.

TOPTASTIC

TOPTASTIC is a web service that helps the user to find out about new music based on whatever song got stuck in the user’s head that day. The TOPTASTIC app turns your isight camera into a a full fledged C.E.T. scanner that performs a full cranial scan, and dredges the required information into the TOPTASTIC server for analysis. The user should then be taken to a selection of relevant songs via the TOPTASTIC search engine. Unfortunately, the TOPTASTIC song database is a strictly controlled playlist of about 25 tracks, and if the user song doesn’t conform to any of these then the app will inflate the user’s head to around the size of a Space Hopper (TM) before exploding it Scanners (TM) style all over their macbook air. Download now for £1.99.

HELL PORTAL HD

From the makers of FLAMEY (TM) comes HELL PORTAL HD. Click on the HELL PORTAL HD dock icon and your laptop instantly turns into a inescapable wormhole to an unspeakable dimension, where hideous creatures are tortured by even more hideous creatures. Anyone sitting in the vicinity of the macbook pro when the HELLPORTAL app is opened will instantaneously be transported to this sickening dimension, where their souls will be forcibly removed with rusty pliers and used like a shamious leather to clean the limousine windows of the unimaginable ruler of the insanely unkind. Download now for £1.99.

We are very pleased for Golf Channel recordings to make their 20JFG debut today. Considering the ecstatic lengths of their cosmic output, quite how these guys escaped a mention before is a mystery. But then considering the chaotic lengths of our sporadic output, quite how anything does manage to get a mention on here is an equal mystery.

Ghost Note – Abularyo

Being broadcast v soon on the Golf Channel is the second EP from the mysterious Ghost Note. Wheras the A-side ‘Kapwa’ is the smoothest balaeric proffer we’ve heard in a while, Abularyo is it’s evil twin. Abularyo is a voodoo cursed steel drum troupe fast forwarding through a compilation of the tensest moments from John Carpenter’s career (except for maybe Vampires), whilst planning a collaboration with Massiera on the new soundtrack to the Tower of Terror. It’s thoroughly evil, and we love it.

You can pre-order the Ghost Note II EP here.