Category Archives: joakim

20 Jazz Funk Dates

Sometimes it’s hard to be a blogger. As the 36-times recycled air in your netbunker begins to scald your already desacated lungs, one starts to ponder what life is like ‘out there’. When the unshorn proportions of your yellowed nails prevent you from downloading that next zipfile, one begins to wonder if time spent outdoors with a beautiful lady, might be more exhilarating than owning some douchebag on a Chillwave message board. Trust us, we were once that bearded wretch with an RSS feed hooked up directly to the vein, and even though the sun tears through our retinas like some long-banned form of medieval torture, it’s good to get out once in a while.

But it’s not easy to meet girls in this day and age. This is why, in our continuing stream of cynical money making schemes, we have started a 20JFG dating service. Already we have filled a 1TB gigaserver full of the details of gorgeous women you can meet, and some of them even gave us permission to do so. Sign up free (for a limited period) today and our highly advanced algorithm will pick you a guaranteed life partner on the basis of having 3 superficial facts in common. Not only that, but using next-century Musicblog (TM) technology, our mainframe will also be able to select the perfect record with which to woo your date, should you be lucky enough to get her back to your place.

So let us introduce a couple of the lovely ladies you could meet today. Female readers worry not, part 2 of this series is coming as soon as we have finished compressing all our Hunkdata into easily uploadable Manfiles (.MAN).

Meet Wendy. She’s 26 and works in the accounts department of a small law firm. Her hobbies include badminton and fine wines. She says her ideal date would be to spend an entire day stalking the living, followed by dinner by the river. She would like to meet an intelligent man with a good brain and warm, tasty flesh. Let’s see what tune A.L.A.N. (that’s the name of our server, no idea what it stands for) has picked for guaranteed seduction.

Ben Butler and Mousepad plot an uncharted course between the spare time experiments of bearded Open University maths lecturers circa 76 and a strain of synth funk that’s so illicitly wonky that it can only be practiced by Norse clerics in remote scandinavian villages. Oh, and did someone say prog? We already brought you BBMP mark one some time ago. Now they are 2 with a ramped up live show that’s akin to watching Yes had they listened to Remarc and replaced Rick Wakeman with Herbie Hancock in an unrelated move. ‘Future Tent’ comes skweeing in from a slightly mellower plain, skewing our dancefloor into a very definite 45 degree angle, sending all manner of airbrushed pastel solids and pixelated 8-bit robo-warriors sliding into the disco lights of the hired DJ on the other side. Future Tent is out now on Norwegian label Dodpop, a split 7′ with Sprutbass.

Ben Butler and Mousepad – Future Tent

Of course, if things don’t work out with Wendy, she does have a sister.

Ben Butler and Mousepad – Future Tent (Genuine Guy remix)

In fact she has six. Ben asked many of his favourite craftsmen to rebuild his Tent in the way they thought best providing A.L.A.N. with 6 suggestible tracks with which to woo Wendy’s many siblings. Visit the BBMP Bandcamp to pick them all up for free. All of them are or course, awesome, but here, because his sinister presence lies behind the shadowy cover of this post,  is a low-res version of the Genuine Guy mix. Let us here no more about it.

Meet Jane. She’s 41 and is the regional manager of  a well-know retail chain. Her hobbies include bell ringing, spells and the occasion game of Bridge. Her ideal man is someone who enjoys being strung up by the feet and tortured mercilessly for hours on end before being sacrifice to some obscure, inverted pagan demigod. A tough one but we programmed A.L.A.N. to be infallible so let’s see what he’s got for us.

Both Rocha and International feel have had offerings made upon this scuffed-up webslab before. IFEEL appear to be absolutely hellbent on peppering the entirety of 2010 with unbelievable spacejams that we can never resist sharing and the new Rocha is no exception.

Rocha – Feel the Love (Joakim ‘Its’s so Real’ Remix)

Joakim turns the original into an rave odyssey muted by baroque disciplines where clavinet players 200 years apart do battle across time, their analogue stares meeting to create a window through we can see scenes from a cybernetic remake of Dangerous Liasons where Aristocrats faces to reveal a mass of sparking circuitry after being slain by a troupe of time travelling disco hippies who weren’t too keep on their bourgeois styles. Joakims’s mix of Feel the Love is being released amongst a plethora of other amazingness upon 2 x 12’s very soon. Pick em up here.

5am summer

Featuring : joakim, metronomy + Wavves

photo by Tasha Lutek

photo by Tasha Lutek

Two sets of Warriors face off in the distance while you sit back on a dune, the birth of piano-house echoing around in your head.  The sun coming up behind the skeleton of an abandoned pier, casting light over the wet sand.  Surrounded by a few of the good people.  Someone tends to the fire you made hours ago.

The long tail of narcotic bliss causing the grains of sand to cast out an invisible web of arpeggiated delights up to the red outlines of the clouds above.  Gently throbbing, their intensity washing in and out with the tide and your fluctuating heartbeat.  The universal 808 gazing down on the scene, making the dawn-flecked clouds dance.

Someone tends to a battered Seiko stereo you found washed up on the shore.  The ghosts of the night before stalk around, serenading you from the shadows still cast by the fading fire.  The world gets harsher as the warm light of dawn turns to the cold hues of morning.  But the serenade sees you through.  A haunted fairground of reverb drenched guitar holding you tight.


Metronomy – Not Made For Love (Joakim remix)*

Joakim can’t help himself.  Not content with a glorious album, a pummelling EP and the most energetic bassist I’ve ever seen: he turns in this beautiful slice of South London soul (via Chicago) for Metronomy.

Free and easy with the tempo the arrival of a herald of snares sees the track fall from the guilty pleasures of an orbiting superclub’s balcony into the enveloping jungle below.  It’s far more interesting down there anyway.  Piano stabs for trees, tiny arpeggiators crawling over exposed skin, the wind blowing through the canopy sounding for all the world like a distant, pitch shifted vocal.  Heartbreak house for delicate insurrection on interplanetary dancefloors.


Wavves – To The Dregs (version 2)

To The Dregs (version 2) is the flip to what I can only imagine is filed away as version 1 on Wavves‘ recent 7″ on the ace Post Present Medium.  Stretched out from the original’s two minutes to a relatively epic 3:48 the reworked version takes Wavves’ punk recorded from down the hall and recasts it as punk recorded from beyond the grave.  The reverb remains but without the no-budget wall of sound it becomes a haunted desert rather than a fire hazard house party.  Not better, not different, just deathly.

Here’s a bonus video shot at Sex Is Disgusting‘s Wavves show back in March.  Good times.


*note: this is unmastered.


Tonight in collaboration with True Panther, XXJFG is throwing a night of cave crunk, afrikan tekno noise, psychodisco grooves and 90s drumtraxxx in Brooklyn at Monster Island Basement. In amidst the shunting and the partying Tan Lines, Sewn Leather, Teengirl Fantasy, MNDR and Angels in America will all be playing live, so obviously this is going to immense! Hope to see you there.


Our lady of sound

Featuring : joakim + Poni Hoax


Alter Ego’s remix of Poni Hoax’ Hypercommunication is a chromed shogun gazing down into the dancefloor from a red mountain of swords, cruel heart beating like a clockwork mechanism of electroid viciousness, epic body music expanding metronomic like a geometric reticle straight of Tron, but made of taut barbed wire instead of neon. There is a black panther approaching for the kill in between the sonic spaces of this remix, and this is a totally wicked thing. Sweaty times, cold sweaty times.

Poni Hoax- Hypercommunication (Alter Ego Remix)

Thanks to our main man G£nuin£ Guy for the tip.


We never fail to be astounded by Joakim’s god-like genius, just check out his remix collection, where he continues walking his path in disregard of any sort of generic signposts, fusing the class and musicality of timeless disco with the pumping oomph of Chicago house, and a fair share of shining pop hooks to make the proceedings even more exciting. You can listen to this stuff at home, revelling in the top-notch production, intelligence, emotion and finesse, or lose your shit to it in the dancefloor as the origami-like progressions spread around you in three dimensional versicolor.

His remix of DJ Mehdi’s Pocket Piano is a good example, lush orchestral disco with flexing Piano house muscles build up into an acid colossus which sounds like it was being played live by a crack squad of crazy-eyed super-intense progressive instrumentalists (think Can in Cologne) under the direction of visionary composer Jean Claude Vannier or something like that, which you will agree sounds like a fucking sweet trip, but don’t take my word for it, just listen.

DJ Mehdi- Pocket Piano (Joakim’s Remix)


I was in Rounder Record yesterday when I heard this sound coming out from the shop’s stereo, Throbbing Gristle’s Hot on the Heels of Love spreading its smooth decadent fingers over the blissful fabric of a luscious synthetic drone, the sort of thing our fave psychenautic crew Optimo would have lovingly concocted. As it is, this was from Sal P and Kaos’ Collector Series Danse Gravite Zero, which actually came out a couple of years ago and might well be the most impeccably curated, most tastefully paced DJ mix I have heard since Optimo’s (or RVNG) last.

It is truly a sonic gaze to behold, a trove of musical riches and obscure nuggets seamlessly blending into each other, mid tempo space disco, muscular funk rock, psychedelic new beat, dub and african percussion music, it’s all in there, with mighty Sal P spicing things up in true Liquid Liquid Master of Ceremonies style, space is the place.

I am having a darn hard time deciding what tune to post from the mix, and you will probably find more than a few gems discovered through it featured in this blog in the next couple of months, for now I’m just going to leave you some soulful acid house by ESP, this is a lovers rock from Chicago’s future past, electric doves rising over the Windy City’s breathtaking architecture, a vista to make you cry.

ESP- It’s You

Fossil Music

We are not sure on the official release of this amazing new Nemesi 12″ via Relish. Its on iTunes, its been and gone on Juno and its expected on Picadilly. In any case check it out real quick kids cos its got the seal of approval from every warlock DJ and mixtape alchemist who isn’t afraid to slot in a 13 minute piece of epic star destroying kraut-funk – its the Prins Thomas Miks!

Nemesi – Jurassico (Prins Thomas Miks Del 1&2)

Pray silence for the coming of one of the 7 Kings…

Prins arrives in a time machine covered in blue flame, transmographying away from the jurassic period. He’s skipped across the remnants of the primordial soup and unearthed this amazing lost world Neu! instrumental seemingly remixed by the love child of Damo and Carl Craig. Hear how it undulates through the oceans of sounds like a Plesiosaur with a spinal column made of chrome, but then live drums hiss into the mix of thumps and echoing effects and its suddenly soaring over the jungle like a holographic Pterodactyl, snapped at by a rushing T-Rex thats lost in the K-hole.

We continue our seismic theme with the Principles of Geometry. With new LP “Lazare”, Principles record neanderthal cyborgs running through the forests of deepest darkest Canada, they’re circuits occasionally fizzling due to the snow blizzards tearing into they’re rusted joints. Expect more on this album right here in the very near future.

On new 12″, “A Mountain For President”, laser-sex crooner Sebastien Tellier purrs over electrokraut beats and sunrise-on-alien-planets synth effects. But its to one of the 7 Kings, French bastion of dark protoplasmic pop Joakim, that we turn to for a discopic journey to a world not our own.

Principles Of Geometry – A Mountain For President (Joakim Remix)

The remix opens with a sunrise of bubbling synth effects that quickly peaks above jagged motorik beats with warped time signatures. Into this blue and green landscape comes a heavily effected Sebastien, like the ghost of a robot, his reverberating voice spinning across the disco plains until the 8O’s techno eclipses the sun and looms like a shining shadow of negative energy dragging the planet into negative frozen space.

Check the new tres limited upfront Promo at Picadilly, be quick like the fox, bro!