1. Abstinence

Cliff’s love of God and all his laws has kept him pure, ahh. This makes him perfect to burn in a giant offering next time the crops fail. We think Antony Gormley could build us an appropriate alter.

2. Apache! (jump on it, jump on it, jump on it!)

Cliff Richard single handedly invented hip-hop and electro and mixing and scratching and everything. If Phil Collins has a claim, then so does Cliff. Yes!! – its all Cliff!!! ( ok, and his band The Shadows and their magic dance which is way better than the one on My Name is Earl but maybe not as good as the Fresh Prince.)

3. Una Stubbs

If we ignore point 1 he probably had it off with Aunt Sally.
Scrap that, splinters.

4. Scatology

Rumor has it Cliff used to like people to have their bowel movements on him while he lay under a glass table. Does that make Cliff some sort of Marquis de Sade/G G Allin freak ???

5. My Nan

He makes my Nan happy. Which has nothing to do with point 4 before you start.

6. The 80s

The video for ‘Wired for Sound’ – brilliant.

7. He is a Knight

Amazingly Cliff is a Sir Cliff Richard, The Queen says so. This makes him some sort of Knight of God, like a Paladin. He will be really strong when he succumbs to the true power of the darkside.

8. Look out Cliff!

Truly awful and yet at the same time, genius. Cliff brought an end to The Young Ones. :(

9 . This song

Cliff Richard – Move it

10. Your user generated content to live here

Ten is too difficult for any one writer. This is web2.0. Help us out in the comments box. Unless your American, in which case you will not have a clue who or what we are on about.

And now for something completely different…

Dan Nixon was a worried man today. Not only has the Green House Effect in Brighton now got a new bar manager after the brilliant old one Jezz left to go traveling (we miss you Jezz!) but Dan doesn’t know how many people in Brighton are going to come and see Zombie-Zombie.

He has reason to worry.

Brighton isn’t a little London by the sea where people like Rory Philips and Nadia Ksaiba from the Trash/Durrr/Ourdisco massive have a fan base to pluck bands like Zombie-Zombie from the air put them on at their new night Say Yes and people will turn up and love them,

Brighton is not Glasgow, with its fantastic vegan cheesecake/record shop, where people like Twitch and Wilkes can put Zombie-Zombie on at Optimo and people will love them.

Zombie-Zombie are on Versatile alongside Joakim, feature a member of Herman Dune(erm…) AND list the things they like on myspace as Goblin, Silver Apples, Raymond Scott, Sonic Boom, Experimental Audio Research, Steve Reich, Can, Suicide, John Carpenter, Neu, Laurie Anderson, Black Dice, Turzi, White Noise, Delia Derbyshire, John Cage, Liars, Sun Ra, Romero and Leon Theremin – so what is Dan Nixon worried about?

Zombie-Zombie – driving this road until death

You live in Brighton or near? You always want to go to Optimo or Durrr or OurDisco or Trash or one of those legendary places you dream of dancing your night away, but you cannot. No problem! The exact same taste maker approved quality entertainment is being shipped right to your doorstep by our good friends!

Let Dan know. There is nothing to sweat about. You will all be there, right?

A new batch of DFA releases are starting to filter out via the official label and then the new offshoot, Death From Abroad. Holy Ghost! is like The Juan Maclean fronting LCD Soundsystem, Still Going creates where were you in ’92 piano-based house-not house, Altz morph stardust into elastic alien italo-funk and then Mock & Toof record the sounds of multiple spacecraft taking off and landing and apply the samples to a disco beat.

These are all well and good, but its Hercules & Love Affair that cause this 20JFG Kid’s knees to buckle and sweat to pour from the pores, as with a shaky hand he clicks his mouse on the ‘add to basket’ icon under the ‘Classique #2′/’Roar’ 12″ that can be found here.

These tracks fucking rule, and you can hear them properly at the myspace. ‘Classique #2′ is zero-G Venusian balearic rave that calls forth vacuums and rifts in time and space, and ‘Roar’ is the sound of 1989 midnite drives with the sprawling LA skyline illuminating the air around you. But not present on the 12″ is this killer track, ‘Athene’.

Hercules & Love Affair – Athene

‘Athene’ is the sort of track that Italo obsessed Lindstrøm fans will foam at the mouth for just as much as the ol’ skool Kraut geezers with Delia + Gavin sensibilities coursing through they’re veins.

Hypnotic strains of percussion are tapped out on Grecian urns by disco Minotaurs and Medusa played by 197O’s Pam Grier gives Solale a run for her money on dubbed out NY sex goddess vocals, then if that’s not enough, crystalline silver synths spark outwards from the shadows of the labyrinth and illuminate the frozen victims of the Foxy Brown Medusa. We don’t even get halfway into the track before one of the best ‘lost in music at 3.00am in a basement club’ outros is played out.

As with all good wholesome disco fun in the world of 20JFG, the zombies are not too far behind. As Hercules & love Affair have been spinning out the Grecian house in they’re mountain top temple, the Zombie-Zombies have been moaning and crawling ever nearer.

Zombie-Zombie – Psychic Harmonia

These living dead have clearly been schooled at the Musical Academy of J. Carpenter, but have never forgot they’re roots in cosmic-kraut noodling by Can, Harmonia and Klaus Schulze.

But these zombies are clutching tools in they’re decaying hands with which to bust skulls and scoop out the warm pulpy brains of the Gods.

One holds a theramin and is wielding it rhythmically making the sound it makes spin and ricochet off of the rocks as another stutters out a tense hi-hat beat in time with a third on glockenspiel. Another smacks his broken fingers onto the keys of a toy piano. It all gets aggro at the end, but that just means the brains have been pillaged.